Standing Alongside Pier 25 and Watching Wilson Float Away
Day 89 of 100.
I think that’s what separates people from fulfilled lives and miserable lives. I say this only in the most basic scheme of things, applicable only in the most contemporary city lifestyle.
How does one simply “wish and visualize “ food if they are a starving child? How could you possibly tell a Heroin addict to give up the needle, and pick up a pen instead (to write, not use as some shoddy DIY jail hack intravenous pipe). How does one simply wish away a war?
To these, I simply say — mental strength is what gets you through all the challenges in life. Most people don’t realize aren’t weak, they don’t realize that they have the capacity to think differently. To change the life we lead, we have to start by thinking of other ways to get to where we want to be. We have to wipe away our delusions. We have to put on the hard work.
But what the duck does that all mean?
It means we just have to live our days, everyday and THINK about what decisions we are making, and how we feel. We have to analyze ourselves. Seriously- go through the even the most basic day as if it were a movie script and highlight the things we liked (eating healthy, playing mini golf, being outside, writing) and things we didn’t (waking up late, getting stuck into a phone call, getting annoyed by friends).
Today i stood along pier 25 along the Hudson and watched the water, and its waves slowly, simmering along the jersey coast. I watched the water, transfixed surprisingly thankful to be away from my computer, away from stress, away from working on the site. It felt like I was traveling again, to be in awe of the world again and just BE in the moment.
The sound of the waves was so comforting.
Nearby, a family was playing with a volleyball, and knocked it into the river. Wilson, slowly drifting along the water into the vast, dark night. It’ll probably end up in jersey. Sucker.
I watched as the ball drifted, and I had a sudden memory of myself five or six years earlier coming to the water to cry after a breakup. I thought of how miserable I was and once again being comforted by the sound of the waves. I feel I left a tiny part of me behind today, gave it up like the volleyball I’ve the fence to drift away and hope to find greener pastures (ha yea right jersey sucks). I realized that I can’t control everything in my life, I can try and make it as tight and compact until I get to my goal, but that I still need to enjoy life, in its now. Even if it means letting go of a little control, a little bit of my time, a little bit of the me I want to be go.
I realize now, why I have been so hellbent on this site, on everything ive been doing with this writing and giving up drinking is that i didn’t dislike who I was, granted I had my faults but I really, truly want to be this new version MORE.
It’s so crazy to me that just two years ago I was desperately trying to figure out what my passion was, my role in life, who I was, and I feel as if I know exactly, firmly who I want that person to be is now. The only trouble is getting to that point, which I take, day by day.
But slowly, it’s happening and feels more tangible, and it’s because I have more mental dexterity than three months before. Mental strength and self discipline are muscles, we need to work them daily to train ourselves.
Sales, it was an utter heartbreak to me every time. It made(still does) make me so insecure about myself, but now- I understand that on average sales takes 5x to connect before booking a job. Five times can mean 3–5 YEARS. Nothing happens quickly, and constant follow ups. Not loose, general, follow ups- but interesting, personalized valuable ones.
Things that used to whollop me in the stomach, now feel only a bit worse because I understand it now. I can accept it, and know that the end game is still there. And that goes with anything that we do in our lives, we have to understand ourselves, what we are doing in our lives in order to get to the version or person I want to be. If it means to be happy with myself, then I realize I have to keep doing little things that make me happy, until I do so many little fulfilling things I go to sleep without feeling like a waste.
Things I find fulfilling might not be the same for other people. And vice versa. Though I do think, that everyone will benefit from spending some time thinking about themselves.
Since I was a kid, anytime I had a bad day or fight I would write it in my journal. I’d lock myself in and pen, angrily, indenting the next three or four pages with my rant. After I wrote, I often forgot what I wrote and I felt a sense of relief. I always imagined that I was writing my problems away, that if I wrote, my unhappiness was transferred to the paper and out of my head.
In a way, I still feel that way.
My insecurities, my cheesy self empowering rants, my angry rants, my wondering, they are all thoughts that I had to organize in my head. It feels as if because I’ve been doing this, I’m able to make more space and energy in my head for what I want to be doing – the site.