Nine Things You Should Definitely Do Before 9am.

You’re almost thirty for fuck’s sake, it’s time to get a hold of those lost hours and make some last ditch effort to get your life together… or failing that, do a better job of appearing to get your life together.

Let’s face it, you’ve been wasting those blurry hours between waking up and sitting at your desk for far too long now. So, here’s what you need to do:

1. Check Instagram as soon as possible.

I find this is made a lot easier if you leave your phone actually in your bed, just next to your pillow so you can kind of roll over and just turn it on and check if what’s-his-name saw that you tagged him in one of those feeds full of plagerised memes.

Obviously he won’t have, so continue on and check notifications on Facebook, Twitter, Snapchat, and then the dating app of your choice, and then think about checking emails, but don’t.

2. Consider going to the Gym.

It is imperative that you have a gym membership and that you wake up nice and early with the intention of going to the gym. Do not however — actually go. — Hit that snooze button and go back to sleep. This will be made easier by convincing yourself that it’s far more important to be well rested than healthy. Which it totally is.

3. Get up early, but don’t.

You can still tell everyone that you get up at 6:00am every day though, which you do, in as far as you get woken up by an alarm at 6:00am — what you don’t need to disclose is that you then hit your snooze every 15 mins for the next hour and half, while you gradually remove things from your morning schedule to incorporate your increased sleep in time.

4. Consider cooking a healthy breakfast.

…but do not cook yourself a healthy breakfast — besides, if you’ve followed through with number 3, you don’t have enough time anyway. Instead, I recommend just getting a black coffee and a flaccid croissant from the cafe near your work, besides — your kitchen doesn’t have a hot barista who flirts with you, so what’s the point?

5. Dress in Gym Gear.

Or, if you want — “activewear” — this is essential to fostering the illusion to your workmates that you’ve just arrived at work via the gym, when in actual fact that slight sweat you’ve got going on is actually the result of spending the last half-hour jammed into some guy’s armpit on the train.

6. Aimlessly scroll through Facebook.

You’ve got a good 45 minute commute provided you’re the kind of young professional that has to work in an inner city office yet insists on living in some fringe area that’s just hit the right level of gentrification. This is plenty of time to listen to an educational podcast, or maybe watch a TED talk, or even listen to an audiobook about the history of something or other — but seriously, you’re going to feel a lot better going through that facebook feed and methodically unfollowing all your old school friends whose lives are different to yours and therefore of no interest.

7. Tell everyone that you’re busy or tired.

You can pick one, or you can go with both (but really, you don’t want to lay it on too thick) Just make sure that at some point when a disinterested workmate makes some kneejerk robotic ‘how are you’ greeting at you as you breeze into the office (apparently fresh from the gym) you can fire off a ‘Oh, just so busy at the moment!’— this will make you feel like you’re actually busy which you’re not, but will also shut down that conversation which was going to be boring anyway.

8. Drink more coffee.

Coffee is an addictive drug, and so if you drink it properly you’re eventually going to build up a tolerance for it, therefore it’s important to increase your dosage in order to operate at 100% efficiency at all times. Anyone who tells you otherwise is probably one of those people who drinks those horrible looking green health drink things and therefor can not be trusted.

9. Relentlessly complain.

Remember, it’s never your fault. You should get at least three or four complaints aired to your social media followers, any group chats you might be involved in, or failing that, just anyone nearby who’ll care to listen. This can include complaints about public transport timetables, the weather, the battery life of your phone, the fact that your local cafe always has shit croissants, how you don’t particularly like Steve from level 2 and you’re not even actually sure what he even does at the office. Any complaint will do, as long as it reinforces your sneaking suspicion that you’re right and everyone else is an idiot.