Why I Quit (Pride)

One of my favorite things to do when I’m feeling inspired is watch Kanye interviews. I’m obsessed with the journey and people who navigate it well. I’ve been watching interviews from Conor McGregor also and they have very similar personas from my perspective. Men who have demonstrated a huge respect for process but are still seen as arrogant. Perhaps its their confidence that rubs people the wrong way but that can’t really be it because there are plenty of confident people. Talent? Is it because they are talented? I really don’t think so because over the last 8–10 years the internet has shown us there are A LOT of talented people in the world. I genuinely believe its their perspective. They are winners, not because they have won or will win (although both are factual) but they just ARE. When you’re a winner, things that don’t go your way are life’s way of teaching you how to win. Win or learn. Pride is actually the biggest barrier to that way of thinking. Pride is deeply seeded in insecurity. Most people think that pride is self involvement but it actually isn’t. Pride is other people involvement. I am the most giving, selfless and valuable to the people around me, when I am super self aware. It’s when I become more aware of others, what they are doing, what they are driving and who their dating that I become an asshole. I can no longer be. I can no longer look at life through the eyes of a student eager to learn, but I feel forced to compare my actual life to the projection of theirs. Obviously that’s a bit depressing because I feel like I don’t measure up but what’s worse is what happens to me. I begin to posture and act like I too am well on my way to health, wealth and happiness. I lie about the weirdest things, not because they actually matter, but because I’m constantly evaluating what each statement says about me to the other person. “Yeah but if I tell them I struggled with self esteem will they think that I’m not from a good family?” “If I tell her I like what she has on will she think I’m really attracted to her but just scared to talk to her and that was the only lame pickup line I could come up with?” “If I tell them I like rap with they say ‘of course you do’ and fill in all the other blanks that makeup stereotypes about blacks?” Here’s the problem though. Eventually, the person you talked about, had more friends in highschool, came closer to marriage more times, and made more money in real estate than you ever actually did. The embellishment then becomes a habit and thus is the life of a liar. But here’s the more important part. The more impactful, life altering part. The betrayal. Brene Brown introduced me to the idea of betraying one’s self. It’s super simple but she describes the pain and discomfort that explains WHY people are so physically and mentally upset when they have jobs they don’t love. Why is it such a big deal? It’s all about self betrayal. We feel, unconsciously desire congruence in our thoughts and actions and when there is a disconnect it causes disorder. I left my job because it was no longer avoidable. I consider myself a motivator and when people on my team would become discouraged I no longer was able to tell them to keep fighting for their dreams because I was no longer fighting for mine. The job was consuming my time, physical and mental energy and it was unavoidable. I could no longer pretend I was fine and I could no longer “put off” pursuing endeavors that were in line with what I really want to do in the creative realm. Now you can definitely use your day job to fund your passion part time, but I knew my limits. I knew that I literally could not function in life betraying myself in this way. Torturing my poor spirit which simply wants to do the work it was designed for.

But to bring it home, humility is all about self awareness and service to others. Once you find our, “where will my life be of most service” you have effectively identified a niche, a gap in the market, your lane (so to speak). That is a powerful place because it makes you immensely valuable. There is obviously need for someone to occupy your lane (or else you would not have been born)and when you realize that you are not only in the point of your purpose, it empowers you to understand because no one else does exactly what you do, you’re irreplaceable. Your focus too because on the value of the work you’re doing. What you’re doing is not for or about you, it is bigger than you will ever understand because you understand that, you discipline yourself by editing out things, people and habits that are inconsistent with your trajectory.

(p.s. this is for future me)

Things I quit: posturing (pretending to be anything more than what I am)

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