It’s Tinder Judgment Day
by Lena Potts
A collection of serious thoughts and questions while swiping my heart out. Straight men, please explain yourselves. I’m preemptively laughing at your #NotAllMen outrage for that last sentence.
And to think that just four months ago I was writing about how I couldn’t imagine Tinder-ing. But over the past few days, I’ve had to Tinder so hard just to write this.
1 . Bros *love* fishing. I have no real-world evidence for that, but Tinder tells me this is so very real.
2 . Car selfie: “ugh”
3 . I wonder if guys go to weddings and are like “yes, I’m for sure getting a casual-enough but super good-looking picture of myself out of this situation. Perfect.”
4 . Dog selfie: I know it’s a ploy, but it’s definitely working.
5 . I’m so over everyone telling me how “active” they are. Congratulations. Congratulations, everyone.
6 . Standing, nay, more accurately, posing next to a nice car: “……………”
7 . This world becomes more plaid/flannel-filled every day.
8 . Your face Photoshopped onto a model’s body: I don’t have time to click on your profile to figure out if you’re funny or creepy or weird. This is Tinder.
9 . Shirtless gym selfie: “ugh”, but as with all things in life, if you’re hot enough, you can get away with anything.
10 . Cat selfie: only works with kittens
11 . Guys are terrible at knowing what photos of them are good. This too, might be a straight guy issue.
12 . That hot guy in that picture is not in fact you, Kal, 28, it is actor/activist/hottie Jesse Williams. Good try though.
13 . What do I do when I see my friend/acquaintance and I’d like to swipe no direction? Oh, just exit the app until it goes away and pretend you were never faced with that choice.
14 . So many guys living in California apparently play hockey, yet I know no one who plays hockey. And also, California.
15 . “Too many fake people!” -Bryan, 26. Like too many bots or too many Regina Georges or what? What does that mean, Bryan?!?
16 . “Raver, DJ, loves to work out”: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
17 . Proudly holding a gun (outside of a shooting range, or gun-carrying occupation): very worried; ‘murica
18 . Proudly holding a gun, shirtless, wearing a cowboy hat (with above exceptions): How wrong is it for me to fear that you’re probably kinda racist? Amongst other “ists”? Is this reverse racism? Is that last question hilarious? Sweet abs though brah.
19 . Picture of one of the Katy Perry sharks: laughing, but still swiping left (left shark, that is).
20 . One of our common interests is The Wire: “okay, okayyyyy”.
Now go forth and avoid this horrific problem.