The Transgender Dating Issue (Revised)

Chris Hearn
Jul 28, 2017 · 4 min read

I’m find this a difficult post to write because I am a firm supporter of those in the transgender community and this might not be seen as an acceptable viewpoint from someone who is supposed to be some kind of an “ally”. No, I might not FULLY understand what being transgender is all about. I do find it a tad confusing. But I will most certainly support someone if they feel like they are a woman trapped in a man’s body. I will fully support their need to identify as the opposite gender. I will respect their chosen name and their preferred pronouns. I will not misgender them. I have a few friends who are transgender and I am more than happy to support them. And, if need be, I will protect them from harassment or harm.

However, there is a small issue that I am having trouble with. More and more, I have seen criticism of straight people who will not date transgender people. And this bothers me. This article in the Daily Beast is a good example. It discusses the fact that there are an unfortunate number of people who will not be friends with someone who is transgender. I don’t get that. Why? Why NOT be friends with someone who is transgender. However, the article then goes one step further to say that the low number of straight people who would not date someone who is transgender is a problem. This is far from the first time I have seen this idea. I have seen on social media people say outright that if someone will not date someone who is a transgender woman or man, then they are transphobic.

Well, being a friend with someone and dating someone is VERY different. I am straight. I am married to a wonderful woman. However, if I were single, I can’t imagine being involved in a relationship with someone who is transgender. I am not exactly attracted to transgender people. At least I have not met anyone who is transgender who I have been attracted to. I find that with anyone I meet who is transgender there are still many physical, biological features about them that reflect their “original” gender. Most transgender women still have a masculine body style. Most still have a masculine smell. Most still have a pronounced adams apple. Many still have a deeper more masculine voice. Oh, and then some of them still have, you know, penises. Some will say that they have met transgender women and you could not tell the difference. Even if that was the case, yes, I would still say I would feel uncomfortable dating that person. To me, it is still very difficult to look at someone who is transgender as being completely the gender they claim to be no matter how much I would love to suspend all belief and completely accept that a person who was born in a man’s body but identifies as a woman is indeed a woman and therefore I should be open to being attracted to them. I can say that yes, they are a woman and support them as a woman. But, there are significant differences that just can’t be ignored. And I don’t think it’s wrong to not want to pursue a ROMANTIC relationship. We all have our preferences when it comes to romance or sex. We have our attractions and we have the things we aren’t attracted to and when seeking a romantic partner or someone to date, these are important. It is far less important when being friends.

So, no, I don’t feel as though adding in a new component here saying that if you aren’t willing to date someone who is transgender, you are transphobic is a good idea at all. Again, I fully support the transgender community and transgender people I know. But, I can’t feel guilty if I’m not interested in pursuing deeper relationships. That isn’t fair in the slightest. Am I supposed to feel bad for who I’m attracted to? Am I supposed to force myself to find people who I don’t find attractive to be attractive?? Am I supposed to date people that I have no interest in dating only so I won’t be seen as transphobic? I have no clue how this works but I don’t like the direction it is going. Fortunately, however, like I said, I am married to someone wonderful so am not planning to ever have to face this dilemma first hand. To all out there searching for love, I wish you the best and hope you find the love you deserve.

NOTE: Above I wrote that “most” transgender woman may have x or y features. I would like to retract that to say “some”. Obviously the issue is complex. Transgender women may or may not show the characteristics I outlined.

Furthermore, this post is in no way meant to foster discrimination against anyone who is transgender. I will never advocate for violence or rape against someone who is transgender. Nor do I believe in discrimination against anyone who is transgender. I have written this as a response to the notion that not dating a person one is not attracted to should not result in shaming or accusations of bigotry.

Written by

Writer, comedian, photographer, dad. Liberal who is disenfranchised with the Left. Full of opinions.

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