The Only Guide You Need — The Perfect Date

Hey there! I’ve heard you’ve had some love trouble lately

:(

Luckily, you’ve come to the right place. After slightly less than a half dozen dates I now consider myself an expert on the topic. I’m here to help. If you follow these 7 steps you’ll find yourself saying “man, Chelsea was so right it’s shocking she’s single but also I understand because she lives in LA and I’ve heard it’s rough there. She’s probably very happy with her cats,” in no time.

  1. MUST NOT BE A DATE

The Perfect Date is best executed when it is not a date at all. Ideally you live in different states or maybe one of you is a time traveler and you live many hundreds of years apart. No matter the circumstance, it’s essential that this “date” has no potential to go anywhere or be anything.

2. STYLE

Wear pants you haven’t washed in a while. Confidence is key for a good date, but since you’ll absolutely crush every aspect of this it’s important to have something to obsess over later. “Would things have gone differently if I had washed my pants the night before?” People will probably say “No, it was doomed from the start when you decided to get drinks with someone from the year 2217.” They’re lying to you. Plus if you had washed your pants this would be a date and it’s not so whatever IT’S FINE OKAY.

3. PERSONALITY

Be confident. And self deprecating. And demure. And also flirty. When in doubt, compliment them but then get a lil’ embarrassed and then backtrack by calling them schlubby on accident. You’re doing great!

4. AVAILABILITY

Be available, but not too available. Talk about dating experiences so they know that you’re a human person who dates, but also be from a different time period (Victorian era seems nice).

5. EYES

Make “eyes.” But not too much, okay? Less is more. Actually maybe don’t, honestly they’re hard to perfect.

6. FINISH STRONG

Leave with your head held high. You killed it. You left it all on the floor. Nothing but net. If this had been a job interview you would’ve gotten an offer on the spot (in the event of an actual job interview it is very important that you wash your pants). You should get a championship ring for this “date.”

7. QUESTION EVERYTHING

If only you had washed your pants.