We were sitting on the couch browsing the interwebs for a good show to help digest the leftovers we’d just devoured when we heard it together — the line that subconsciously shifted our faux-commital relationship to the point of no return.

As the trailer for Deon Cole’s Netflix special, Cole Hearted, began to play, these words blared from the tv’s speakers:

“Some of y’all got stuck in relationships. You married on a level you should’ve been passing in life.”

Without a word or gesture from my being, he looks at me and says, “You feel like that’s what you’re doing…

After leaving my job without a plan, denying countless job offers because they didn’t feel like a fit, hustling as a driver for multiple delivery services while building a writing foundation and nearly getting evicted while doing so, I finally decided to surrender to the path of least resistance. Therefore I’m temporarily back at home with my mom, during a pandemic.

I am uncomfortable as shit.

While I’ve spent much time toying with whether this level of discomfort says more about me or my environment, the only answer I can come up with is:

It doesn’t matter.

I sense something…

How do you know when you’re in love?

Well, initially, I’d answer that question the same way I’d answer,

“How do you know when you’re pregnant?”

You’ll just know.

But, I understand we haven’t all experienced pregnancy, and for my men, well, you know… it’s not quite realistic.

So, for clarity, here’s my big five.

1. Your body will start talking to you.

Have you ever been able to feel something so deeply in your core that its movements are your movements, its taste buds now dictate yours, His laugh makes your heart giggle, Her caress makes the vision of childbirth feel like Olympic Gold medal status —…

Since stepping away from teaching, life has been quite different.

These particular words came to me in meditation on October 18, 2019, a day when I paused my writing to go to the hospital.

This was the day after my aunt’s stroke, a week after my second eviction notice cleared, and a day before my car insurance expired.

Uber was my primary source of income at the time, and I didn’t even have the money to pay for that, so… let that simmer.

Just know, if you’ve been through the wringer this year, this month, or this week, I feel…

In the past, I’ve found it easy to blame “lovers” for things not going right, but honestly, after doing the work, I see all of my dirt.

I’m fairly non-committal (save the Lizzo jokes) and have no issue detaching. On the contrary, I love being “attached” to one person at a time.

I now recognize as long as I’m in that space, that’s exactly who I’ll attract.

That type of “relationship” doesn’t always feel so good though. No one, in their healthiest state, wants to be reduced to an option.

In 2019, my relationship sector has seen every extreme —…

3:55 am:

I get a call from my mom and groggily awake from my sleep. Usually, when we call each other in the wee hours of the morning, we begin with “Everything’s okay” or “Nothing’s wrong” to ease the anxiety that comes from imagining all of the horrible things that happen at that time of day.

I don’t receive that greeting this time.

My grogginess immediately turns into a frantic fury after she tells me she’s headed to the hospital because my aunt’s had a stroke. …

I retired from teaching at 26.

Whew, there it is, this truth in which I’m living and trying every day not to backtrack and convince myself was a mistake.

Let me start by saying, I don’t have the answers for which you’re searching. I don’t even have them for myself, yet. If you’re looking for answers, feel free to stop reading now. However, if you’re in the same place as I — perhaps you’re feeling a bit lost and don’t really know what life’s next step is — maybe you’ll want to keep reading just for the comfort of knowing you’re not alone.

No, I didn’t…