If You’re On the Fence About Having Kids You Shouldn’t Have Kids

Photo by Simone van der Koelen on Unsplash

If you have to really think about it, the answer is probably no.

No, you shouldn’t have kids.

Unless you are completely certain, unless you are ready and willing to completely change your life and your future, you shouldn’t have kids.

Or, you should at least hold off and keep using that birth control until you are truly ready.

Take it from me — someone who never wanted to have kids but had one anyway and came to regret my choice.

Yes, that is very hard and harsh for me to write.

But, it’s the truth, and I know there are a lot of other parents out there who think to themselves that they would be better off, or at least enjoy their lives more if they weren’t parents.

No one wants to admit it, but I know there are parents out there thinking it and living with that thought every day.

It doesn’t mean we don’t love our kids.

I love my daughter more than anything and anyone else in the world, but knowing what I know now, I would have made another choice when I had the chance.

So, to the rest of you who are on the fence about having kids, this post is a warning.

Kids are not a passion project.

Having a child is not something you do because you think it will be fulfilling, or fill some hole in your life that you don’t know what to fill with something else.

Kids are not a hobby, a project, or a puzzle that you put together.

If you want to have kids just because you think you are going to be a great mother — think again.

It doesn’t matter how good or bad a parent you are.

You are who you are.

Your kids are human beings with their own thoughts and dreams and futures that have nothing to do with you, and you won’t always be in control of them.

No matter what you do when you’re raising your kids, they will find some way to rebel against you.

They will, often, disappoint you.

In parenting, control is an illusion.

If there’s one thing I know for certain, it’s actually how out of control parenting makes you feel.

You never know what you’re going to get.

When you think about having a child, first you think about that perfect, beautiful baby you’re going to hold in your arms.

Then, you start imagining their perfect childhood that you will give them, how they will be exceptional in school or sports, how they will grow into young adults and eventually go to college and make you so proud.

But, that doesn’t always happen.

You can’t know the path that your child will take you on because make no mistake, it’s the child that leads the way, not the parent.

When people consider having children, not many consider that their child may be disabled, and how that will shape their futures.

I’ve written about this extensively:

And I’ll keep writing about it because I think it’s something that all people who are on the fence about having kids should consider.

You just never know what you are going to get — are you willing to ask yourself what you can or cannot handle if your child isn’t born as perfectly as you imagined them?

Having kids changes everything — even you.

From the moment you bring your child is born, everything is different.

First of all, say goodbye to sleep.

I’m not just talking about the first few weeks, months, or years when your child’s basic needs have to be met, but I’m talking about the sleepless nights you will have worrying about their future.

Your whole world, waking, and sleeping, will revolve around them.

You will lose parts of yourself to their growth.

You will lose your own self-preservation so that you can protect and fight for their best interests.

You will probably lose some childless friends.

You will, sometime or another, lose your damn mind.

Because having kids means that from the moment of their birth you have to put them before you put yourself and your own best interests.

That’s what being a good parent means — putting your child first, always.

Are you ready to let go of your life as you know it and dive into a new life that revolves not around you, but a stranger that you get to know as you nourish?

If you’re not sure whether you’re ready to have your life turned upside down, you’re not ready to have kids.

Because kids are forever.

Once you make the choice to have kids, that’s it, you’re in it for life.

There’s no going back, there’s only fighting your way forward throughout the years, no matter what they may or may not bring.

You might find yourself a few years in wondering what the hell you’ve done by making this decision, but by then, it’s too late.

You’re a parent.


And ever.

If I had to pick two words to describe parenthood it would be these: monotonous, and relentless.

Fulfilling wouldn’t be high on my list.

Sure, there are moments of joy and overwhelming love, but there are also entire days when you’d like to rip your hair out or just run the hell away from your family…but you can’t.

Because when you’re a parent, you are responsible for everything about your child’s life up until a certain point when they reach adulthood…unless, of course, your child has disabilities like mine and you will care for them for the rest of your life.

Are you ready for forever?

If you’re still on the fence, stay on the fence.

Some people don’t get to choose when they get pregnant, it happens.

It happened to me because I was on birth control when I got pregnant (use condoms, too!) and at the time, for some reason, I felt like abortion was the wrong choice, and due to my own father/family issues, adoption was out of the question.

I chose to have a child without knowing what I was getting myself into, and now, I wish I had read a post like this before things got too far.

Take it from someone who’s been through the gamut of parenting:

If you aren’t sure whether you want kids, don’t have kids.

If you find yourself pregnant and your gut is filled with fear and trepidation, you’re probably not ready to raise a child, and maybe you should choose not to.

That’s one of the beauties of this country — for now — we get to make that choice if we want to.

Don’t let people pressure you into doing something you don’t want to do, and don’t let people shame you or hurt you for not doing it.

This is your life.

Until it isn’t.

Choose wisely.

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