How to understand men

A letter-guide to a woman from a man

It is impossible for me to tell you all the things that I want without you being offended or you interrupting me so I’ve decided to write you a letter.

If you will take your time and process all the things that I write here, your understanding of me will deepen, your abilities to mitigate our conflicts will grow and our life together will become better as a whole.

Ok, here we go.

1. Don’t f**k my brain.

I am sorry to start with this, but seriously, please.

Women are emotional. Men are logical.

But can you try to use the logic, follow the arguments and learn from our past fights?

There are things in the interpersonal interaction that just don’t work. Don’t persist doing them. Give up your ego and trust I am working hard on taming mine.

I don’t like being preached. I don’t like being taught. I am a man for Christ’s sake, and as long as I am the head of this family I will make all of the major decisions related to our life.

I am perfectly capable of doing things that I do so trust me:

2. When I need an advice, I will ask you.

I am not an arrogant prick. I admit a mistake when I make one.

No, I don’t think it is below my dignity to ask a woman for advice or an opinion.

No, I don’t think I am losing my value as a man if I let a woman help me.

In fact, when I do ask, I am genuinely interested in what you say and you can be positive I will incorporate your feedback when I deal with my problem.

In fact, the role of a helper is what wise men seek in future wives. But don’t get mistaken. I need a helper, not an advisor.

I entirely understand that a woman is a ‘mirror’ of a man and all the BS that I get from you is actually my own BS reflected and amplified by you 10 fold.

You don’t have to teach me directly. I am not an idiot. Not that I know of.

I can learn from the way you behave and act that something is wrong and I will improve my behavior.

But I ask you to do the same.

3. When I ask you “don’t do it” please don’t do it.

We are men. We are different. The way we speak is the way we act. It’s literal.

Our “yes” means “yes”. It doesn’t mean “yes, but depends on you” or “ yes, but depends on my mood”.

Our “no” means “no”. It doesn’t mean “try harder to make it yes” or “yes but later”.

When I say that I don’t like something don’t take it personal because it is not. It is just a dry information, that I beg you to process and implement.

4. You can’t have 100% of my attention and 100% of my time.

I have a mission. I can’t give you all of my attention. Let me do what I have to do.

I am a goddamn man. I have my dragons to slay. I have a world to save. I need to iron my pajamas.

Please, learn how to entertain yourself when I am busy. It would be better if you could do it by educating yourself. I will invest in and encourage your every endeavor if it is related to the personal growth.

5. Love me when I am tired.

When I am tired of saving the world and killing monsters, I want to come back to you and fall into your gentle warm hands and smell your hair.

I want to rest in your love.

Recharge me with it, give me your energy, and I will be all yours, but when it is time for me to go again let the boy come back to his playground when the time comes.

If I don’t do things that I should do I am slowly dying as a man.

6. When you share your problems try to spare my ears

You keep asking me why do I look like I am suppressing my yawns.

You ask me: “you don’t care?!”

To be honest, no. I don’t care. I don’t care about the things that disturb you because I am a highly practical man. I understand that all these rants and complaints do not change anything.

But I am too gentle to say it out loud because I love you and I care about you.

I care about YOU.

I do care about your emotional well-being and harmony. I care about your work and life balance.

If you give me enough information I will give you my honest feedback on the situation and my vision of possible ways of resolution to the extent of my knowledge and professional competence.

In case you need my help, I am at your service.

But spare me from useless chit chat. Use your girlfriends for negative rants.

7. Stop shopping.

“I have so many clothes!”
No woman ever.

You buy too much useless stuff. Seriously.

Please, keep in mind, pretty clothes don’t add up value to who you are as a human being.

Throw three old dresses for every new one you buy and don’t get attached to them.

FYI, old clothes are the ones that you didn’t wear for one year.

8. Stop asking me if I love you.

I told you “I love you” once, and I told you that if something changes I will let you know.

Trust me, I will stay true to these words.

9. Be diplomatic

Here is a totally practical mind trick for you.

A woman who wants her man to read a book and says: “Hey, honey. Read this book please” is risking to create a conflict.

No man wants to feel that a woman is intellectually superior to him.

Yes, I know. We, men, are full of shit too.

However, there is a way to trick us.

Simply reframe the phrase and say: “Hey, honey. There is a book that I read, but there are some parts of it that I do not understand. You are so smart. Do you mind checking it and explaining them to me?”

Boom! Ego was tickled and you will get your result.

If you want me to do something, don’t be direct.

10. Inspire me.

Great minds discuss ideas.
Average minds discuss events.
Small minds discuss people.
Eleanor Roosevelt

I love talking about ideas, I don’t like talking about events, and I hate talking about people.

I don’t care about what again happened in the Middle East and other things out of my circle of influence and I certainly don’t care that one of your girlfriends fought with her boyfriend.

Talk to me about ideas.

Let’s think about the places where we can travel. 
Let’s envision the future we are creating together. 
Let’s build things together.

Ignite me because you can.

Be my muse. My Valkyrie.

I don’t think I would do many things if it wasn’t for you.

I am a man. I don’t need much myself.

Men without women can live frugally sitting and meditating under the tree wearing lungi without any itch to change the world.

You are my ultimate motivation.

Most of the things I do, I do for you.

Lastly, please, PLEASE!

Read between the lines. 
Don’t get mad at me when I can’t find the right words to reach your mind. 
I am still learning.

With love and respect,

Your man.

❓ Do you have a question? Ask me! I answer daily on Quora.