The Hallway
“Ma’am you might want to stay out of the hallways. We’re looking for someone and would hate to see something happen to you.”
Looking for someone…?…like…?…me? ……….?
Someone that is so full of frustration and confusion and fear and so empty of any idea of normalcy that they’re just trying to make it through each and every day without collapsing in defeat…?
Or someone that has been pumped with so many different medications that they no longer feel anything at all? Or even worse…someone that’s just had their meds changed and they’re still fifty kinds of fucked up with symptoms as their body adjusts…?
Or perhaps someone that has found them self fed up with the mental health runaround to the point that they’ve given up on hope for a better life and they’re just looking for a place to quietly end their misery…?
Thanks for the concern, Mr Security Guy, but the potential monsters in the hallway have nothing on the monsters in my head! So if you don’t mind, this is the first place that I’ve actually felt understood in months. These are the first halls I’ve walked out of feeling like I could one day find my “normal” again. These are my people and I’m going to keep on doing exactly what I came here to do with them.
For about a year now I’ve been really struggling with some stuff. I’ve been full of anxiety and depression (like everyone else in America, right?!?) and I’ve been suffering with what I have finally found the words to describe as emotional dysregulation, or in laymen’s terms…ridiculously extreme emotional responses to EVERYTHING.
I’ve read many books, watched many TED Talks and You Tube videos, and actually almost have my masters degree in psychology of human behaviors…I’ve gone to doctors, got started on meds, and made more phone calls begging for help than I’ll ever admit to aloud. I’ve spent many nights panicked and sobbing in desperation for some sort of help….I so badly just want some damn help!
I’ve said some incredibly cruel things to the people that mean the most to me…things that. I can never take back…things that they’ll surely remember me saying forever…things that have forever changed life as we knew it.
The pain I’ve caused the people I love is one of the most unbearable feelings I’ve ever had to sit with…I’ll never forgive myself for how much my inability to get my shit right has changed my relationships, but man….Is it too much to ask to at least be able to stop the profuse bleeding I keep causing others?!?!
I went to bed last night with a spinning head. Not the regular spin that I carry with me everyday but a serious case of the crazies for sure….The anxiety added to the normal nausea was ridiculous. I was so restless and so scared that they were going to see through my “best self Correy” and were going to admit me (which makes no sense given that I threaten to go admit myself on a pretty regular basis these days) after just a few minutes of speaking with me…or even worse…just not believe what I say at all.
I was so worried that somebody would see me walking into “that building” or would see my truck parked in the parking lot and would think I was there for help…which I was…but damnit, please don’t let anybody else see that I’m there!
I tossed and turned most of the night…so much so that I woke up more than once covered in sweat. I can’t even imagine what it’s like sharing the bed with me these days. I’m amazed that he comes to bed with me at all anymore after all I’ve said and done to him.
So today I finally got to see someone that claims they can help me. They say it’s far more common for people to have mental illnesses resulting in irrational emotions than what people realize and that I’m not actually a horrible monster of a human being… Yeah…okay. Sure. We’ll see how this goes.
