I walk with the poise that I’m never alone
It’s a bleak yet brisk Saturday afternoon.The Wall Street bull keeps its posture as it always has and always will in the chilly April rain. I wonder will it ever change.
I’ve always enjoyed the rain. Sometimes my friends, not only one, would text me emojis of raindrops or umbrellas when it starts to rain. That’s how much I enjoy the rain and made it crystal clear to the world.
At that time, my world was my city and the people in it. I recall the many times I stood in the rain, listening to its beats as it fell down onto my umbrella, or when I listened to its rhythms as it touched the glass ceiling of the cafe I stayed at the most. I’d observe the pedestrians, guessing who they are and what kind of a day they’ve had based on their expressions, outfits, and pace. I’d hold a green tea latte as its vapor fogged up the glass. Sometimes I would sit and paint with Shostakovich’s Second Waltz playing, from dawn to dusk. I always had the urge to dance in the rain. The rain puts me into a good mood. But there’s more than that.
Mood is an effect, and the associated memory is its cause. The most vivid fractions of my memory are all somehow linked with rain. I remember the many enlightening conversations I had on rainy afternoons with people of importance in my life. I remember several of my most joyful experiences that took place when it started to rain. I also remember the days when I had the “mean reds”, as Holly Golightly puts it in the Breakfast at Tiffany’s, when “the blues means you are just sad, maybe it’s because you are getting fat or it is raining; but having the mean reds is when suddenly you are afraid, and you don’t know what you are afraid of.” She gets relieved when being inside Tiffany’s. My Tiffany’s seems to be the rain.
My emotions for the seemingly common things are uncommonly magnified. The touch of the breeze. The swaying of leaves. The warmth of sunlight. The tender yet powerful rhythm of heartbeats. Enchanted moments in life happen with their accompany. Stories are told and messages are sent through natural things that can be felt as long as one is aware enough to listen.
Being aware of the surrounding environment enables me to live through the emotions in my memories whenever and wherever similar surroundings appear. I can’t guarantee, nor do I expect, that everyone whom I shared blissful moments with shall stay forever and always. All encounters are to be cherished at present, and expectations devalue their rareness by making it possible for disappointment to step in. The only thing we can keep with ourselves as we walk through our whole journey of life, I believe, is the feeling right there right then, right here right now. No matter it is the million times when you look back to your loved ones, refusing to leave when you had to be apart, or a vow so beautiful, a hug so tight, and a person too good to be true, that you cannot breathe. It is feelings and emotions, which would empower people to grow and enrich people’s souls, that can be embedded in our hearts, kept alive in our bloodstreams, and keep us company forever and always.
I haven’t been in touch with many people who were close to me once. Those I had heart-to-heart conversations with in the rainy afternoons are no longer active in my current life. I don’t even know whether the cafe with glass ceiling still opens or not, and whether they make the same green tea latte the same as I loved. Time and space separate people from their beloved ones and familiar things. There are so much we simply cannot have at the same time as we stand at the crossroads in life, struggling to decide what to sacrifice.
I came to a fancy big old city half across the world, leaving everything behind. The city rarely sleeps, and neither do I. People come and go, destined to teach me a lesson or blessing in some kind. But am I ever lonely? When it rains again, and I am sitting by the window with a green tea latte in hand and looking at the people all dressed in suits passing by, all memories when I laughed and cried and danced in the rain pop up, and the feeling of being loved arises.
The past I cannot hold on to; the future I cannot predict. The present is all I have, and I live in the moment with spiritual accompany.
After all, I now walk with the poise knowing that wherever I go, I am never alone.