Messed up — Ok— Start over
I’m starting over from this moment to let go of who I am.
I paid a visit to the demon inside of me.
Now I’ve waken up from my darkest dream.
The same nightmare has been hitting me on and off for weeks — being trapped in darkness, running the hell out of me, crying and yelling but could make no sound. It’s a metaphor, but now I see that it represented my greatest fear — live without knowing who I am and what I want.
I have been searching for the answer and the process indeed frustrated me. However, it is incredible how a person’s words could change one’s life.
For all these times, I did not dig deep into Lao Tzu’s core concept in Taoism — 无为而治, translated from word to word as doing nothing while things are done. Confucius hold the similar belief — 从心所欲, meaning following what your heart desires. In modern days, Steve Jobs also emphasized on having the courage to follow one’s intuition and heart, on death being the single greatest invention of life, on keep looking for what you really love and do not settle, and so on. Great man.
Learning from them and altering my action, I’m starting to see how naturally things will flow once I stop struggling and resisting. It was my choice to whether let ego, pride, and insecurity drive me away from who I out to be. 世间本无事，庸人自扰之。 Sorrows are created by those who choose to be bothered. There’s so much world to see. Beauty, art, wisdom, nature, these — apart from the noble careers — are what truly keep one alive. Why settle. Why build up a cage and lock myself in. Now I see — what is destined to happen will happen naturally.
In my past life, I somehow felt like the rose in le petit prince — “rarely found and so beautiful beyond measure, but are also vain and selfish. You often allow your pride to get in the way of your true feelings. Despite this, you are truly loved and treasured.”
Indeed. I’ve messed up. And it’s ok. I’m still in love. So I start over.
Read more. Think deep. Grow empowered. There is so much to learn from those great minds and many others alike.
Also, I want to be loved, which only adds up the importance of having to let go.
All of these were triggered by a serendipity in life.