How dance, yoga and meditation saved me from depression
On Friday, I visited acupuncturist Nancy. She said
“I like it when you visit, you carry a smile and a positive mind.”
Nancy and I were in the same room 9 months ago when I first stepped into her office, crying with piercing pain in my neck and shoulder, and despair in my eyes. Nancy said, “Girl, what do you do? You need to a change, otherwise you will go crazy. ”
Over the last 9 months, I witnessed a huge change in myself. In January, I was depressed, hopeless and joyless. San Francisco felt like a dark hole as if the world was coming to an end.
Zumba came to rescue
In the worst time, I felt like a Zombie with no emotions.
I did not have the mental strength to go on treadmill as my mind would go wild and started spinning. I needed a practice that could fully capture my attention and all I needed to do was to show up. Zumba is not only a good workout, but also gives me energy and a smile, whether forced or natural .
The teachers constantly remind us to smile. Pablo even came to me — lifting the corners of his mouth up to show me how to smile. I robotically followed.
The process was humiliating at first as I had no body coordination skills, but I kept showing up, every single day. No matter how cheerful the music was, I found myself in tears half way through, consumed in my own mind. However, when I started to pay attention, the hour flew by.
Things started to change — I could dance to a few Zumba songs and regained connection with my body. Instead of frustration and shame, I learned that everyone can dance if we put 100% attention to it.
Dance can save life
In June, Doug was teaching Samba on his birthday. He said
“I’ve been teaching Zumba for over 15 years and the biggest surprise was when students told me dance saved their lives. When they had nothing else to look forward to, they could come to dance, sweat and smile.”
That sounded like me. I went from a sad face with no emotions, to a more regular and positive mind. Daily Zumba classes put a scaffolding around my life and made it more regular and stable.
My left shoulder and neck were and are still painful and scary thought often run through my mind at night.
Will I be living with this lingering pain for the rest of my life? I will never be the same Chenyu as a year ago.
But at least, my smile is back.
Every teacher played a role in the new me. Doug’s limitless energy, Jaretta’s compassion, Gina’s demanding choreography — small things add up on a daily basis.
In July, I participated in my first outdoor Zumba with an audience watching. I never thought that could be me dancing in front of strangers at the busy business district.
Dance re-trained my focus and distracted mind
Besides the energetic Zumba classes, I started to take more rigorous dance classes to get skills beyond energy and fun . I chose to study dance with teachers who would star in the dance version of <Whiplash>. It helped me tremendously to fix my distracted mind as I would be called out for “dancing in the stratosphere” whenever my mind wandered.
For years, I was proud of multi-tasking skills and have had trouble focusing and prioritizing. In dance, one must focus on every detail — the position of the feet, legs, hips and hands so that the correct part of the boy is in motion. Every dancer feels a deep connection with the body movement in the room, and pays reverence to the cultural roots of ancient dances from Latin America and Africa.
My mind could not go anywhere else. To me, anything that requires 100% concentration is a form of meditation. Thank you Tika who has transformed me as a person.
Do something uncomfortable every day
In April, I signed up for a hip hop performance workshop. Yes performance means I must commit and dedicate.
It may have been the most challenging, somewhat humiliating experience to sign up for a “performance” workshop, committing 6 weekends to it, and overcome my self-consciousness to perform in public.
Great teacher is half the effort. Micaya is the greatest hip hop teacher — her teaching style is fun and intuitive, especially good for beginners, and most of all, going to her class is an inspiration for life. It improved my mental health and ability to focus as well.
One lesson for all: Do something uncomfortable every day, it builds up strength and flexibility. When you overcome a challenge, your mental health will thank you.
Yoga and philosophy: Forgiveness sets us free
Regular yoga practice has given me space to regain balance in life and process a fast-pace life in Silicon Valley. Jan 1st 2017 was the first time I missed New Year Yoga as I was working on a project in Las Vegas.
Going to Stephanie’s Sunday flow has become a weekly ritual. Yoga for me is beyond physicality — the powerful part is the mind. Stephanie taught me to turn inward for answers in life.
We always say “Give me some space” but in order to have that space externally, we need to create space internally.
In February, I stepped into Love Story Yoga and this poster put me into none-stop tears.
“You allow for do-overs and crack hearts into gardens of forgiveness and surrender.”
Yet, the biggest mental break through in 2017 was when I visited LA for a week in July and got called to try out a new yoga and meditation studio called “Mystic Journey”, from a yoga teacher I met at Menotti’s coffee shop.
Come as my guest and try it out.
The old me never had time to try Yin Yoga or meditation. “I don’t have time for sitting still.” This time, I gave myself permission to try everything, at least once — visualization, sound healing, guided meditation with talk, Yin Yoga, Kundalini yoga, yoga sleep etc. The result was profound.
During Yin Yoga, one night the theme was “forgiveness” — forgiveness sets us free. Our trauma is stored around the fascia around the neck.
Go back to an occasion that you felt hurt and let that person go.
It was this simple exercise that lifted the mountain on my shoulder. “Healing doesn’t mean the damage never existed. It means the damage no longer controls our lives.”
The next day, I took Amy’s Hatha yoga and philosophy.
Over the last decade, I have practiced the looking back pose over 100 times. But this time was different:
“Looking over your shoulder is to face our past. When we look back with no judgement, compassion and love, it doesn’t have to be painful.”
This looking back pose cleaned up my mental clutter. Upon return to San Francisco, therapist remarked“Going to LA for this spontaneous yoga and meditation retreat was the best decision you made over the last 2 months.”
Meditation is a mental cleanse
just like we take a shower or wash our car.
I set an intention for spiritual awakening for Burning Man this year. I sought after yoga and meditation classes along with sound healing and breath work to continue my study in LA.
I met yogi Liam and he said “It seems that you have found kundalini yoga. Let’s write down some names on your notebook.”
I have come across many people in life who give me suggestions but it’s the first time a stranger asked me to take out my note book. Intuition told me — I have to follow.
Beyond yoga, I tuned into sound and vibrations. We are all instruments waiting to be played.
After Burning Man, I went straight to LA for 1 months and studied Kundalini Yoga. My understanding of meditation deepened —during meditation, I come up with a daily plan, gain clarity into priorities , and then get them down after class with great determination. I was in Yoga class 4–5 hours every day but the rest of the day is focused and productive.
I learned about how our subconscious mind controls our action. It is like a trash can. When it’s full, we need to clean up the negative thoughts.
We are our most powerful healer — when we get stuck, going back to the occasion and mentally untie the knot is more powerful than seeing a doctor, taking external substance or relying on others. There are 2 version of us within each of us: the thoughtful you vs. subliminal / emotional you . The latter controls your behavior — eat the cake you didn’t want to. Our life is an ongoing battle between the 2 yous within you. Being a yogi is to have control over our electromagnetic field.
Meditation is like taking a shower for our mind, the same way we wash cars and clean our body. No matter what happens in life, take a deep breath makes us calmer and can deal life better.
New Age of Happiness:
Studying with Guru Jagat gave me a deep sense of self-awareness. She makes a traditional yogic science understandable in everyday term and with great humor.
During the class, a pose is looking up to the ceiling in cow pose to open up heart and think about all the tension/ problems “why am I not…?” Then go into child pose. All of a sudden, it went to spontaneous laughter for a few minutes. I was shocked but it was the same release of emotion in sound breathwork.
Guru Jagat said “the joke is on you if you haven’t noticed.”
I understood that happiness is not always a smile. The new age of happiness comes from mental strength and grounding.
A yogi is someone who has the dignity, energy, power and grace that whatever happens to them in their life, they are still able to take a deep breath, show up, be there, be in some way in service, then you start to receive great fulfillment, more than you ever you could think you’d receive, that becomes a deep and everlasting happiness.
It is a deep experience of your own intelligence and beauty.
—
This past 9 months felt like Phoenix rising — to reborn out of ashes and become much more grounded and stronger, with a clarity of who I truly am and what matters in life.
