When did I allow you to speak to me like that. When did I allow you to slack off. I always excused you. I always defended you. I spoil you.
You live in the present, and that is an absolute gift, you have shown me the beauty of spontaneity but that also comes with consequences. You forget things. You forget how much hurt you have caused me, the words you have cursed at me, the amount of times you have made me cry- me, standing there with my wet face and you continuing to pierce your words into my head.
People say times heals all, and that is absolutely true. Time heal the wounds you have given me, and with that I too forget what you do to me. And end up tracing my steps back to you. But time does not remove the marks you leave behind, they remain in my mind and the more I time I have spent with you, the more they multiply.
You’ve never physically hurt me, but what is the difference anymore. I commend my resilience, my tolerance but there will be a time when my wounds no longer heal as fast as they did, a time when my body is prone to illness and I am left with more wounds than my own skin.
I sound like the biggest victim. But I did not even realise I was even one, because in the end I chose to be. When did I decide to play this role?
You are not good for me. My mind knows it, my body senses it.
You say its your personality, your past. And I have excused you far too many times for that. I remember snapping to strangers and even to family members whenever they would momentarily treat me like that. But how on earth did I give permission for you to treat me like you did over the year. We should’ve left it when we both decided not to be in contact anymore. There you were left to my own imagination and I wrote beautiful things about you. Because even though I have love for you that I can’t even explain, we are just coming back to the remains of what was once a beautiful loving relationship that will never be the same. We should just leave those memories as they are.
I am to start taking care of myself. I want to be left alone. I would elaborate on how I would be doing you a favour but no more time shall be spent considering your feelings. I’ve done that enough, and it hasn’t gotten me anywhere and left me energy depleted. I know I make silly mistakes, and need guidance but I know that I will be okay on my own. The obstacle here is to just l e t y o u g o.