“I’m sorry for so many things. I couldn’t see you when you were here and, now that you’re gone, I see you everywhere.” – Calvin Weir Fields, Ruby Sparks
This is perhaps one of the things I hate most about human nature: the fact that we never appreciate people/things when we have them, only to realise how lucky we’ve been to have had the privilege to hold them dear to our heart AFTER they’ve been stripped away from us forever.
Ironically, the moment you’re no longer part of my story is precisely when my mind chooses to register your presence(absence) in every single thing I encounter anytime, anywhere.
I see you in bars that you frequent, and I see you whenever someone orders your favourite beer. I’d always think to myself that it’s such a coincidence that someone too, likes your favourite beer, even though it’s one of the most classic, basic beer brands in the world. In my head, it’s yours and solely yours to like.
I catch glimpses of you whenever I rewatch movies/TV shows that I’ve seen thousands of times, in scenes that I distinctly remember us laughing about, debating about or you comforting me about while I bawl my eyes over the tiniest of touching moments on the telly. Little did you know that it’s not the scenes that define the movies/shows I’m watching, but your presence while we’re watching it.
I see you every single time your car model wooshes past me in the traffic, even though I never once paid attention to it in the past. Is it just me, or are there a lot more people with the same car as you now that you’re gone? I keep envisioning you in the driver’s seat, and a phantom of myself in the passenger seat. I wonder if you have a new passenger princess now?
I see you in the grocery store when I walk past the sweets aisle, because it reminded me of how you committed my favourite brand of lollies to heart and would always whip out a bag for me randomly whenever we meet. I’ve completely stopped eating that now, but I could envision a shadow of you still reaching for it from the shelves, a smile on your face as you think of how happy I’d get to receive this treat.
I see you in every spritz of a specific perfume I put on myself now that you’re gone, because I could imagine you close by, inhaling me in and telling me that it’s your favourite perfume on me and that I smelled lovely. I recalled you asking me for the brand name, and you trying to hunt it down in various stores for it just to surprise me with it (it was discontinued).
It’s inescapable. I see you everywhere now that you’re gone. I used to be so haunted by this fact, but now I smile every time I do because I’m grateful that I’ve once been loved that much by you.
I hope you think of me and see me with a smile on your face too. :)
