“Is there a place in your heart for me or not?”
“I mean, you don’t even have to knock.” – Mark Lee
Mark Lee once proclaimed this statement as a response to a fan’s question to him during a fancall. His response, coupled with a few quotes I’ve seen about love that’s floating around my Pinterest explore page got me thinking back to when I was besotted over this one particular man.
I thought back to how much I used to think that perhaps he was my “right person” and that all he needed was time to realise that. I was so desperate for his time and attention, so much so that I was willing to sacrifice spending time with people who really cared about me and loved me as I am.
Maybe I came across too direct and strong one day, or maybe it was the accumulation of my tiny hints, but one day it probably scard him off for good, and we don’t maintain contact anymore.
Every now and then I cringe when I think about how blatant I was being, and how embarrassing it was that my intentions was THAT transparent that even such a nonchalant guy like him was able to pick it up. I’d still beat myself over how I’ve displayed this much obsession and vowed to never express my infatuation or to ever chase any men ever again.
It’s been months now, and the more I think about it, the more I feel like a fool in this whole debacle. I never even dared to directly ask to be loved by him because I didn’t feel safe to express my feelings around him (because look what happened when I slipped up one day).
Worse of all, I can’t believe I’ve been rendered to this state of mind where I think it’s a normal thing to ASK to be loved.
How did one single man skewed my perception on love this badly that this is what I find acceptable now? This is ridiculous, even by my standards.
I don’t want to have to frantically ring the doorbell when it’s cold outside and no one’s there to answer the door. I don’t want to have to knock on someone’s door to let me in. I don’t want to have to justify why I need the door to be opened for me (because it’s cold outside, and all I really want is a warm hug).
I don’t want to do any of that anymore. I just want the door to be open just because it’s me outside, with the fire crackling in the fireplace and a mug of my favourite hot drink, ready and waiting for me.
