The only two facts I know about dieting

There are two, and only two, things I know about dieting:

  1. Unless you are some freak of nature, if you burn more calories than you eat, you will lose weight.
  2. If you tell people that you lost weight this way, they will immediately look crestfallen and disappointed, as it’s not the big secret they were hoping for. Like an old joke, they’ve heard that one before. Do you have a new one?

If you have lost any weight, you’ll have experienced this first hand. A good way to fend off the disappointed looks is to make up a ridiculous diet that gives them the secret they so crave.

So far, I’ve told people that the following diets worked for me:

  1. Dog worming tablets — have one in the morning and one before bed. These tablets contain branch chain amino acids, not naturally produced in humans, that actually bind to fat and increase it’s absorption by 38%.
  2. Eating only foods that contain EXACTLY 15 grams of fat; so I can have half a doughnut, but if I choose to eat some celery, I have to eat 7,500 grams of it.
  3. Did anyone say “FULL MOON GORGE DAY!”?
  4. Eat all meals while holding a squat position, as the activated muscles process the food quicker, burning the food for energy.
  5. Eat whatever you like whenever you’re watching Janet Street Porter on TV.
  6. For a while, I went round pretending that I’d misunderstood the concept of the 5:2 diet, and that I was presently on month 3 of stuffing myself, while at the same time readying myself for two months of fasting. If you go this route, be sure to stick to your guns about it referring to months.

*I should probably point out that I’m not a fully qualified Dietician, nor do I have any nutritional training whatsoever. If you experience any death, or death related symptoms, after following the above plans, don’t blame me.