Hate me but do not date me!
Last year I had my first breakup, I felt trapped and did not like where my relationship was headed, so I broke up. Before that I had been in a relationship for 3 great and memorable years. Once I was out, I grew my beard, pretended I was not hurting anymore and decided to saddle up for another trip to dating haven. If I had known what I know now, I would have stayed sad for longer and would have worked on myself more. I went in the unknown totally unprepared. As one would expect I found myself sitting in a pile of shit that I created. Let us just say I did some things, here are some of those (Judge me all you like!):
· Created a bunch of dating profiles on various dating and hookup sites.
· Told myself I need to look better and hated whom I saw in the mirror.
· Developed a severe complex towards every mildly good looking individual.
· Started viewing every member of opposite sex as a potential dating partner (Desperation you see!)
· Started whining to my friends about how my life was a wreck.
· Installed dating apps on my phone and checked them every few minutes for a match (There was one by the way.)
I did a lot more but you get the Idea right?
What I have not mentioned in the above points is that I went through shit load of articles on internet to prepare myself to become the best prospect for someone to date. There is a reason why I did not mention it above is because of all the stupid stuff I did, this one probably was the best move. Not because it actually prepared me better or it made me a better person, but because I realized what a sad attempt it all was to bring someone meaningful in my life.
I am not writing this piece to unload my sadness over the internet, I am writing this because I can relate. As I write this article I am still scared and vulnerable and single but what I am not is blind to reality staring me in the face. This piece is my attempt to fix something that I think is broken.
Here we go!
Dating over centuries (You heard it right “Centuries” !)
I have divided dating history into four major phases.
Once up on a time!
Dating as a word simply means, “To mark or furnish with a date or a point in time.”Roughly, before 1700’s dating was perceived as an arrangement among families and societies for stability, alliance and mostly to keep the bloodline going, today we call that arranged marriage. We humans as long as recorded history have tried to find suitable companions for living comfortable and prosperous lives but sadly it was not always the intent of this version of dating.
A Little Later!
After 1700’s a global movement started “empowering the individual” and dating now had started to change its form. It was something we started to do before marriage for a better understanding of our partners and mostly these “dates” took place under careful supervision of family and was a precursor to marriage. Times changed, we evolved, and a stronger sense of independence made us realize that dating does not always have to lead to a bond for life but it could be an end in itself. This was time when ritual of dating had started to take its modern form. As the idea of dating evolved there was something else happening around the world called “Technical Evolution” and rest is history.
Not that long ago!
Turning back the clock just a little bit. Now let’s look at the times when internet was still taking its current shape and we all were in the awe of the numerous possibilities that lay before us. We all had just been introduced to our 256 Kbps connections (sometimes even slower), Google was not a common knowledge, and internet dating was something that was just an idea for the future.
Seems like just yesterday!
Our perception of real and virtual world had changed. Frankly, we knew we were heading here where the lines between real and virtual world would get thinner. To be fair that was the aim and not a bad at one at that. Along with these new possibilities came a lot of other stuff. Ideas that people had were more visible, new industries were born and a big chunk of our real lives started to revolve around and get affected by our virtual ones.
That brings us to our problem, “THE PROBLEM”.
Everything was fine until dating took its current form, let us take a look. Today dating is considered one of the most fundamental aspects of an individual’s life. Considering how fundamental it is, it’s almost comical how we perceive it. We have started to spend more and more time searching solutions our real life dating problems in virtual world. We have failed to realize that we are still complex machines and it is astronomically impossible for one solution that fits all. However no worries there, because it is an endless ocean of solutions to our real life problems. There is so much content regarding dating out there now , that I am finding hard to collect meaningful content for this very article. Every day we make use of technology to make life simpler, no wonder we did the same with dating. Perhaps we made it too simple and too complicated at the same time.
Dating is now a billion dollar industry with a huge range of products for every step in dating. You want to find a girl to date, well just download the app. You want to go an amazing first date, go through these 10 ideas for a great first date. You want to know whether she likes you or not, look for these signs. You want to know how to impress someone well, follow these 10 steps. I can go on for an eternity but I guess you get the basic idea.
Do you see the problem yet? No!!
The problem in my view is this hand held approach, where instead of trying something new and putting yourself at risk of being humiliated or rejected , you put yourself at a bigger risk by never taking any. We are not learning from experiences any more.
I mean think about it ,we are marrying now at much later ages ,spending so much time looking for potential partners ,all the tools are so easily available, we are more in touch , a lot more guidance is available then where are we going wrong? Moreover, if at this point you still think nothing is wrong then think again because frequency of breakups and divorces has increased. Studies are constantly showing that people are depressed more and more. Trust among people is steadily falling down and so is respect for each other. We have become more and more insensitive we troll, humiliate and bug each other online endlessly without realizing there is a real person behind that screen. We get furious and calm down much more easily (Twitter Wars). We judge each other much more superficially now. I mean it’s a CLUSTER FUCK.
Was this the aim, or is it just a minor glitch in our evolution as species , or maybe we just need a new technology to make us feel more human.
Stop kidding yourselves!
No amount of technological revolution, dating apps, articles, dating experts can solve your problems. The reason is because you are living, breathing human and you have flaws, complex emotions, complex thought process and most of all you are unique. That is your problem.
The question is why is the product not doing what it said on the box? Why are our smart phones isolating us in our virtual cocoons? Why do we feel the constant need of validation? Why do we look at the world in terms of mega pixels? We are not products sitting on shelves of e-commerce websites being rated, reviewed, judged, liked, and disliked.
“Breathe In, Breathe out!” *Counting 1 to 10.*
OK! now let’s address few of the key issues with modern dating setup.
Objectives
This is probably one of the biggest problems with our generation, that there are so many choices. I am not saying that having choices is bad but so many, really! Choices such as hookups, internet dating, cyber dating (Yes it happens.), official and unofficial relationships, friends with benefits and many more. What this does is nothing to help but to convolute the idea of what we desire from this dating world further. There is no difference between a person’s profile on a dating site, matrimonial site and hookup site. We need to have clear objectives so that acceptance or rejection does not affect our real lives.
We are basically trying to scam each other by putting up heavily edited photos and copy paste bio’s and then we wonder why something real does not comes out of it. If you want something real, have a clear goal.
Missing human touch
This might or might not be the biggest problem but this is the one I feel the most for. We have started to text more and more and frankly that is what we are expected to do. Texting is not a bad thing per say but we have been doing it a lot. Text takes away that human element from any conversation which a call or meet in person ensures. Most of the times when we find matches we stick to texting only and get cold feet when asked out for a personal meet. We are getting more and more isolated from the very people we are trying to date. Constantly checking our smart phones and other electronic devices we don’t realize how many opportunities to find that special someone we have missed out on. We are also following these absurd rules such as reply only after certain number hours just to get a good response and have a better shot. But have you ever thought what happens in those few hours, the person you were trying to make friends with or whatever moves on because that is how impatient we have become. Why did you not just setup a meet the first chance you got? I know it’s easier said than done but come on people WE ARE TOO LEGIT TO QUIT.
Taking your partners for granted
May it be a hookup, a friends with benefits situation or a serious relationship the amount of effort we put has gone down like a log rolling down the hill. There is a reason for that, in earlier times when these things were rare and tough we knew, we had to hold on to our partners. Now everything in dating has turned into a recipe for a quick two minute noodles and it is a recipe for disaster.
Phrases like “I don’t think it’s working anymore” and “It’s not you it’s me” and many others have started popping up way too frequently on calls, chats and our in person conversation. The problem here is, we have subconscious belief of “plenty of fish in the sea”. I agree that it is true but what if you do not like the taste those of other fishes. We need to understand that though there are many people out there you can date but only a few of them will suit your needs and you. Now I don’t mean to stick it out when it is actually not working but at least put in a little more effort. So no matter what you share with that person (bed, life, chats or secrets) consider them a godsend and treat them that way.
Going with the flow
Now to most of us going with the flow sounds like a good idea but what if that flow is now leading down to a drain full of shit? Does it still sound like a good idea? I know a lot of us out there are looking for something real, something to hold on too but then going with current flow of hookups, cheap dates, texting, snap chatting etc. is not helping our situation. Don’t follow blindly what others are doing just because you think they are getting better results, decide for yourselves. See that if you really want what others are getting or is it just desperation blurring your vision (God knows it blurred mine!). Stand out, do not budge from your choices stick to them, that is how the ones that really matter will find you and they will.
Mountain of content
This is another major problem that only came after the advent of internet. Anyone can create a blog (Take my example) and talk about whatever they want.Sounds good right but is it?
Earlier when tangible mediums were the only means to get your content out there ,A writer who was really good at his/her craft and really believed in the stuff that he/she wrote would go through all the hardships to get his content out there, which also filtered all the wannabes. Now the times have changed, if you are consistent with any sort of blabber people would eventually come across it and read it and lot of them might even believe it. That brings us to our problem, how can we trust the content if we cannot trust the writer. There are so many different views and so much contradiction among those views. Whom do we trust? Who do we listen to? Soo much noise!
Social Media & Plethora of online dating venues
Now before we start let me just say I am not against any of the above and I consider them a boon for the modern society. The problem I think is the way we use them. We are living so much of our lives in this virtual world that reality just dazzles us. Now you don’t just need to wait for a call to know if it was good date, you constantly need to check their profiles and their status updates ,emails , whatsapp, Skype and ton of other shit. So you see how complicated we have made it for ourselves. It is almost considered necessary to update your relationship status once you are in a relationship. Do you think it is healthy too put so much content about yourself online.
Now let’s look at online dating venues. There are so many, and people are trying to be on all of them simultaneously. Now this approach might work for a few but does not work for a lot of us out there. To give you some perspective lets imagine if you are standing in a loud bar and trying to talk to multiple people at the same time and trying your best to impress each one them. Now you may say I am wrong but think about it, the more sites you are on, the more time you need to spend too be efficient in finding a match. The possibility of rejection is increasing exponentially in comparison to a match. All these sites with their own algorithms give you hope but also take away a lot more when it does not work out for you. No line of code is better than you own judgement.
There are many other problems I can list out, we can talk about them until the end of days and get nostalgic about old days. Honestly none of it will help if we keep doing what we are doing now. Change your ways, change your thought process, do not give in too soon and most all embrace your individuality. You are all beautiful because there is no definition for beauty. You might be lost but you are not gone, you might be broken but not beyond repair. You are the greatest creation; it’s time to act like one. You decide how much importance you give to your online shadows.
Here are few ways I think we can fix the situation.
1) Text less and talk more. Seriously, people we need to stop this. Would you really be able to tell the difference if I replace all your text buddies with a well-coded chat bot?
2) Respect each other because you are not just dots over the internet, you are people act like people.
3) Understand your desires. If you want to just get laid, fine then just be upfront about it, if you want to get serious then too be upfront. I am saying because this “we are just chilling” approach is not helping but making situation worse. If you know exactly what you want people respect your choices and you.
4) Take as much risk in the real world as much you take in the virtual one. If you can take a rejection to your face then you can definitely take it online.
5) Disconnect People. Everyday just try to give a shot to a real world activity like a short walk , a coffee with yourself, a book (a real tangible book ), a power nap maybe, basically whatever you feel like doing. Stay away from your virtual selves until you find it necessary because no matter how compelling it seems, we still live in the real world. We are not yet in THE MATRIX (Oops the nerd in me just popped out there!).
Finally, all I would say to you is that you are beautiful. You are the best possible version of you and you do not need to change whoever you are. Keep in mind, this trend only exists because we asked for it. Do not let the technology dictate your decisions. Think of all these dating products as toppings of your Subway sandwiches , choose only the one’s you like. Now go out there and do your own thing.
Good luck!
