When a Friend Cuts you Out of Their Lives
And you don’t know why… it really hurts…
Have you ever had a situation where you’re best friends with someone and then all of sudden, for no reason at all, this best friend stops returning your texts, your calls, and even flat-out starts avoiding you? Yeah, it’s real. And it happened to me with one of the people I considered to be the most awesome and amazing individuals on the planet!
And for reasons unknown to me and to my group of friends, they just quietly slipped away, and stopped seeing us… stopped seeing… me. And it would be totally cool and all, except, he didn’t say it to my face, or to anyone’s face, and that’s what hurt the most.
He politely still waves to me in the hallway and says that he’s “OK” but I know something must be going on! Things like this don’t just “happen”… But I did the best I could to try to get back in touch with him.
I thought, “What if it was something I did…
What if I was somehow a horrible friend that offended him in the most horrible way…
What if I treated him SO badly over the last 3 years of friendship that he couldn’t take it any more!”
So for 7 months, I would sit outside his office, waiting sometimes for 90 minutes before going back to my desk. But his door would be closed, or he would be out at a meeting. In the few times when I did try to knock on the door, he would say, “Not right now…”
and I would say, “Could you spare even 10 minutes, or 5 minutes?” and he… wouldn’t say anything.
I’m just glad he hasn’t committed suicide… (I just finished watching 13 Reasons Why, and in the episode where the main character loses her best friend really struck a chord with me. It really shed a light on how weird “friendship” can be and that these kinds of strange things happen!)
I don’t know why I care so much!
and why this High School mentality of friendship has to carry itself all the way into adulthood, but I remind myself that it’s just a different way of viewing relationships. I’ve read all the books and videos ranging from psychopaths, to relationship dynamics. They don’t explain away the hurt it causes when someone does something without any reason whatsoever.
I really think I just want some sort of resolution… to know that he’s actually OK, that it wasn’t something I did, that we are still friends.
I’ve gone through all the full range of emotions from anger, depression, full-on anxiety where I can’t sleep at night. Sometimes I wanted to punch wall, and sometimes I wanted to punch him for causing me so much pain. And it’s taken me a very long time to understand that he just doesn’t want to see me anymore, and that’s okay, and that I remind him of a past self that he doesn’t want to be anymore and that he’s moved on.
But, having seen Hamilton (the amazing Musical phenomenon in New York) recently, there’s a song that also helped me to deal with this situation. The one that says that “the world was wide enough” for the both of them.
And maybe I’ve been too caught up in my own hurt and pain not to be appreciative and understanding of the pain and anguish that he may be going through. But then again, I’ll never know because he won’t talk about it with me because he never wanted to talk about his feelings. This sense of vulnerability and sincerity was somehow lost in our friendship. Maybe when I wasn’t looking, or maybe cause I was so filled with jealousy at the time when he was climbing up the corporate ladder. For whatever reason, we’ve lost it now and I tried to get it back, to reclaim it to the fun times that we used to have when we started on this journey together.
It really gives me crazy anxiety every time I see him. So, I find myself having to avoid him because I don’t want to feel that hurt again! (and maybe this is what he’s feeling every time he sees me).
Because I’m such a compassionate person, I always ask myself, “Is there something more I could have done?… Is there some way I could have been a better person so this didn’t happen?”
But you live and learn, and you grow from these kinds of things. When one door closes, another one opens, and life is filled with other great people who care much more about you.
I just want to stop thinking about him. He enters my thoughts at least once a day right now, and it’s annoying because that pain and memory of once was, and what could have been comes rushing back. But, as with anything, time heals all wounds, and I hope one day I won’t even give him another thought. He’ll just be another face in the crowd, very much like he’s now started treating me. I hope I can get there one day, where I don’t even remember who he is, and maybe see his picture and vaguely remember something familiar but quickly forget and never be hurt again.
The most telling way that he was intentionally avoiding me was every time I’d go and try to book a meeting with him to catch-up and see how he was doing… he would always be suddenly “busy” or just straight out decline the meeting. And he would never reschedule it. He never took the initiative to go out and seek me. It was always me seeking him, or trying to find him, or me trying to get his attention. That’s what also hurt the most is that he never wanted to stop by my desk, I always had to go to his. And the few times that he did stop by, those were always the best.
The secret is, he could have fixed everything in his friendship, if he just simply visited me.
or texted me back,,,
You don’t realize how much a little gesture like that can affect you or heal things, just spending time with someone shows you care.
If you take the perspective of the famed musical Wicked, the sisters Elphaba and Glinda go through hardtimes as well, but they realize that “because they knew” eachother, they “had been changed for good” — SO, no matter what happens, you will have learned something from the relationship you had.
The truth is… Life is Messy.
And it may not be the perfect life you wish you imagined, but it is a life that you’ve had the privilege of experiencing. I once heard a statistic that was like, “There are about 7 billion people on Earth today and 115 billion people who have ever lived in the history of the world. That means 108 billion people are dead. Most people have already lived their lives.” Which means that we have the honor of being ALIVE right now. Let’s not waste is hating each other or wallowing in our own self-pity. Let’s live it loving this messy miracle we’ve been born into, along with all its crazy emotions and weird social dynamics. That’s just life! Full of wonder and bizzarity.
Neil Pasricha, author of the book, The Happiness Equation, says, “I am convinced that life is 10% what happens and 90% how I react to it.”
Perhaps you will never understand each other, so all you can do and maybe you’ll never get the answer you were looking for. And it actually doesn’t matter in the end. All that matters is your internal state of being and your mental health for you are probably causing your own destruction. All you’re doing is hurting yourself.
Thus, all you can do is wish them well on their way, good health, and good fortune, and a happy life :) and repeat to yourself over and over the 4 phrases that make the world better:
1. I love you.
2. I’m sorry.
3. Please forgive me!
4. Thank you.
There are no enemies in the world. Only misunderstandings.
If you look at any really good multi-faceted villain, they are passionate visionaries who believe they are truly doing the right things, except they just step over the boundaries of morality enough to make them evil.
We all have a unique paradigm that we bring to the world. Each with its own perspective. That means there are 7 Billion different perspectives. Out of that many, you’re bound to clash with a few of them, and some of them may be the complete opposite of your own view, which is why you may be left confused and say, “I’ll never understand them.”
That’s completely OK. Because you’re you, and that’s all you have to be.