I read an article about how family feud is a great example of how we maintain the idea of social norms by subtly correcting people by making them feel shame and embarrassment. I found this kind of eye opening in a way because I actually have always loved watching this show. No, I’m not approaching retirement I just really like game shows for whatever reason. Anyways the article went into describing how some of the answers were perfectly reasonable but because they weren’t the first thought that would occur to an average American, they were the people who answered were seen as out of touch with the real world, and maybe even a little delusional. The other point the article made was a little unsettling, by laughing at and embarrassing people who step outside the very narrow path of normality the creators of this show are quietly saying: if you think outside of the box you will have negative consequences. And they encourage you to think like the majority of the population and not to step out of line, because what’s more humiliating than having a different thought, idea, or opinion than the person sitting next to you? Because if you cant find a large population to validate your ideals and opinions they must be wrong, or just flat out crazy.
This article kind of reiterated something that I’ve actually thought about and noticed before in my life. I notice in certain social groups I am “allowed” to say certain things that I am not in others. In most social groups people don’t want to create tension or cause a scene so they resort to a more quiet and less noticeable approach. If you say something that someone else thinks is weird, or off rather than say that a lot of the times people will respond with an odd look or more often the “what the hell?” laugh. I’ve gotten that laugh many times in my life and it’s all too familiar. I actually had a friend who used this social technique almost all the times. She would validate your ideas by responding with excitement and enthusiasm, and when you said or did something she didn’t like she would do the laugh or question you. The questions would be normal but the tone she used said: I don’t like this. You can see it all the time in group interactions as well. People use these techniques to isolate others or to keep others in check. A very common example of defying social norms is burping in public without any remorse. If you’ve ever witnessed this I bet someone else in earshot gave the belcher a weird look or maybe even laughed uncomfortably. This is a passive way of saying: that was wrong of you and that does not follow the rules in my “how to socialize properly rulebook”. Another area where I’ve seen this correction is in school. If a student raises their hand and answers a ridiculous answer oftentimes rather than correcting them the teacher would chuckle and swiftly move on with the discussion. This doesn’t make a scene but the teacher lets the student know that what they said was not a normal thing to say.
The one thing about these subtle social queues that were explained in this article is that they are negative and because we do this we fear being out of the ordinary and we are very aggressive about everyone feeling the same way. I think while this technique is incredibly passive, and overused it’s also kind of a gentle guide. For example I’m a fairly socially aware person, but I haven’t always known what is appropriate at in certain situations so if I wanted to say something but wasn’t sure if my audience would appreciate it I would basically test the waters. I would say it and if everyone gave me that look and responded with that laugh I would know that that topic is not for this audience. So, I guess rather than taking these social queues to heart rather use them to your advantage. If you laugh along with everyone else you can make it look like you were maybe being sarcastic even though you weren’t and turn something that could have been potentially embarrassing into a joke. By doing this I could learn which things i could say or do around certain people in my life and this also helps me predict how people in the future will react to certain things. Just because someone else thinks your thought or idea is ridiculous doesn’t mean someone else won’t. This social queue is a way for people to mark their invisible territory by guiding you away from things that make them uncomfortable with their tones, expressions, and reactions.
I think this social queue is important because It’s like the warning before the timeout. Rather than straight up confront someone about their behavior you can use these more subtle approaches to reinforce what you don’t like or what makes you uncomfortable.