I said I was going to write at the end of the day, but I want to write right now. I want to spew. I want to be angry, distraught, hopeful, content, and lost all at the same time.
Welcome to the life of an emotional human.
You know what I haven’t done a very good job of lately? Adhering to my favorite quote.
“Water teaches us acceptance. Let your emotions flow like water.” — Avatar, The Last Airbender
I go back and forth with this quote all the time. I’m constantly thinking how much I am too emotional, and how that is perceived as bad. Being emotional not just in America, but in most of the world, is bad. It’s a sign of weakness — it insinuates instability, lack of control, and nowadays, an actual lack of intelligence.
These are the self-depreciating beliefs that have ruined my self-esteem, and most recently, my romantic relationship.
But what does it mean to “flow”? Now that I think about it, I haven’t been flowing at all. Maybe I’m just looking at this situation all wrong.
In fact, I know I haven’t been flowing. When a person flows, they are seamless. The first time someone ever called me “seamless” was last Monday morning in Los Feliz, California.
I was sitting on a chair in an old house that had been there for generations and generations. My client — or at this point, someone who is becoming my superior — invited me to discuss what occurred the week before and plan for the future ahead.
His name is Sam. Sam flew me out from North Carolina to Los Angeles for five days. I created, coordinated, and executed a brand workshop designed to unify the vision for the company. It was my first time leading a team, and not just any team… but my team. Our team. I was promoted to Operations Director that day.
“You know, when you were up there in your element, managing, you were seamless,” Sam said.
I did something courageous today.
I woke up to my brother tapping my shoulder. “Do you want to go for a run right now?”
I opened one eye. “Dude, the sun isn’t even up. Maybe later,” I mumbled. I rolled back over.
To no surprise, I couldn’t get back to sleep.
Instead, I got up and patiently waited for my son’s father, Ian, to knock on my door. He dropped off my son on his way to work — it was my turn to take Xander to school today.
Xander bounced around jovially like always. I set him up on the TV while my mom slept on the couch nearby, 6:30am approaching quickly. Instead of joining my son, I grabbed my laptop from the floor and walked out onto my porch.
I started spewing out there.
I booted up my computer. Immediately, I opened Medium and wrote an angry letter about my relationship. In the letter, one could read guilt, sorrow, shame, disappointment, failure, and hopelessness.
Before I could impulsively smash the Publish button out of spite, my mom signaled for me to take her to work. Somehow, the morning had progressed to 7:30 already. God knew I was having a moment and didn’t need to manifest things that I didn’t really mean.
I reluctantly reentered the apartment.
“Did you read your affirmations this morning?” My mother asked benignly.
“No,” I snapped. “I’m not in a good mood right now, Mom.”
“Oh…” Her voice trailed off. I could feel a pang of guilt wash over me. There I go again, being a bitch.
“Well, everything will be okay,” Mom whispered, almost inaudibly. I could tell I hurt her feelings, like I always do.
I took her to work, with my little sweet boy in the backseat talking to me about things I couldn’t understand. I refused to understand. I could feel my heart breaking inside my chest. I missed him. I missed the man I love.
Once I dropped my son off to school right after my mother, I drove to the lake I always played at while growing up here in Raleigh. It’s called Shelley Lake. It’s where I go to run when I need to escape my tears. It’s also where I go to cry alone, when I don’t want anyone to see me.
I cried a lot.
I cried harder than I had in a long time. I am mourning the loss of my relationships. Not just one, but two. The first is the one with my most recent partner. The second is the one with myself.
The latter had be neglected for far too long.
In my fit of hysteria, I got the wild idea to send off my resume to two innovate corporations. It struck me what I want right now:
- I want to focus all of my energy on one thing, and become an expert over time at that one thing
- I want to raise my son somewhere beautiful
- I want to change my surroundings to reflect a place of promise, hope, and happiness
For me, these factors translate to a corporate job in California.
I can’t predict the future, but I can control the now.
More importantly, I can control how to react to the now. I’m still upset, but I channeled my energy into doing something for myself instead of thinking about that other person by entering a relationship with myself again. By being vulnerable and opening myself up to possibilities.
That wonder, that imagination to dream, is something I have forgotten how to do. I know that’s a superpower of mine.
Earlier, I was listening to Oprah’s SuperSoul Conversations — her flagship podcast. Ugh, I love this podcast. It’s truly so inspiring, and she has the most incredible conversations with people!
Oprah Winfrey is actually my greatest female role model, and one of my greatest human role models in general. I feel like we are cut from the same cloth for some reason.
Oprah has this amazing ability to make you feel like you are talking to someone completely “not famous” right on your couch. She doesn’t even humble herself… she’s just that way, after all these years of healing. She makes people feel safe and heard. She loves people, and is an advocate for humanity, for happiness.
That’s how I feel too. I’m just still figuring myself out.
Hearing her voice and the power she instills in others through selflessness inspires me. She uplifts me without even knowing me. Moves me. On a day like today, and a day like yesterday when I was thinking I wasn’t deserving of living anymore, that is overwhelmingly relieving.
I know I’m going to be okay. I know that if Oprah can survive her past, forgive herself, form a relationship with God and get right with the world, then I can too.
I can be like Oprah. I can fulfill my fullest potential as Cheyenne. I can manifest my future by putting in the work today.
We’ll see what comes of later. I have to prepare for a company call in the next hour. Back to reality, fam.
As always, God, thank you for listening.