Photo by Jason Scottish

Denial


I don’t know how much longer I can fake it.

I miss you so much. My heart aches. Sometimes I think I’m alright and then suddenly it hits me hard; I start to remember what we had, what we didn’t have, whatever the hell I told myself was something… anything. I don’t know what it was, but it was real. At least, it felt real. I felt something for you.

I still do.

I’m tired of moving through the days. Life is actually going really well. I have the same struggles, the same shit going on, but for some odd reason I am coping with everything much better. I am stronger. I have grown up. How? I still definitely don’t have my shit together. I guess it’s just time… time spent away from you.

Despite the nature of life at its present state, there is a distinct lack of chatter. The silence is deafening. I miss that bickering, the stress, the constant wave of emotions. It was annoying, yet addicting all at the same time. It was tiresome, but fueling… exhausting, but energizing. I loved you more than I have ever loved anyone else. You made me feel naive and vulnerable. You made me feel exposed, my insides turned out for the world to see.

I wish you loved me back.

I mean, maybe you did. If you loved me, you would have taken steps to be with me. You would have actually tried. You didn’t love me… you just liked the perks of me loving you. That included sex. That isn’t love. We both aren’t stupid. That’s lust.

It drove me mad.

Now that I am over that immediate pain and things are quiet, I still reflect. I still think, ruminate, and desire, even when I know I shouldn’t. At this point I just allow myself to let it all flow, not giving a damn if it’s pointless or not. It’s my life, my brain, my heart. I can do whatever I want.

I think the hardest part about everything going so well is realizing that it’s all happening without you, without you around. Were you toxic to me? Some would say yes, others would attribute the toxicity to myself for putting up with your shit. Were you preventing me from growing? Yeah, but not really. I was preventing me from growing. I should have been smart enough, wise enough to walk away and have some goddamn respect for myself. But I didn’t. I let all those precautionary walls crumble down for you. What in the world, man.

It’s truly curious, the way the heart holds its grip on people. At this point, all you are is a fading memory. Why hold onto it? You’re not doing shit for me, after all. I’m not even trying to hold onto it… except I am. I don’t want to let it go, but yet I try to do so every day. I’m living a normal life successfully, but you’re still on my mind.

I’m tired of faking it, pretending you’re not.


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