Breaking MLB: Tim Tebow finally gets his Big Shot

PART ONE: TIM TEBOW’S SPORTS ADVENTURES

With the recent news of Tim Tebow’s release by the Jaguars, it appears his latest attempt to get back into professional sports has inevitably failed. The warning signs were there — for one, Tebow was signed as a tight end, a position in which he had zero experience, which was apparent when he fell directly into an opponent’s ass while trying to block. It’s painful to watch. This may well be the final time we see Tim Tebow step foot onto a football field in the NFL, and as such, we can finally say goodbye to Tebow’s bizarre, quixotic mission to get into a league he was demonstrably not good enough to play in. It seems fitting that the final image of his NFL career will be Tebow, in a position he had never played at a pro level, slipping and falling into someone’s butt. This is a microcosm of how Tebow will be remembered.

For those counting at home, this is Tebow’s fourth attempt to get back into the fray — you may have forgotten his brief stint with the Patriots in 2013, or his spell as the fourth string quarterback for the Eagles, where he lasted less time than Mark “Butt Fumble Guy” Sanchez. (This isn’t really related, but this was somehow the second time Tim Tebow was a backup for Mark Sanchez. I guess quarterbacks who can’t throw have to stick together.)

However, I’d like to focus on his stint with the New York Mets, which was especially bizarre as the Mets are a baseball team. There is no such thing as a baseball quarterback. His scout report on his minor league tryout was… I mean, it said he had good power? Our friend Touchdown Tim hit an apocalyptically low .194 in his first season in rookie ball, and even as he slowly acclimatized to minor league pitching, his strikeout rate was horrible.

On average, Tebow struck out in 31.2 percent of all plate appearances in the minors. Adam Dunn, who I would argue is the single easiest Major League player to strike out since the deadball era, struck out in just 28.5 percent of all plate appearances. The big difference between the two, of course, is power. Dunn, despite having negative plate vision, hit 462 home runs in MLB alone. Tebow, as is shown above, had a career total of 18 across his 4 seasons. He also struck out to an outfielder once. Tim Tebow, tragically, never made a Major League Baseball appearance. He played four years of minor league baseball, hit .223, and retired to run into men’s asses for a living. Let’s fix that.

PART TWO: TIM TEBOW TAKES MANHATTAN

In a kinder world, perhaps I would spare the New York Mets. They’ve been through enough. Every year on July 1, they pay right fielder Bobby Bonilla $1.19 million, even though he hasn’t played for them since 1999. They do this because the previous owner of the Mets, Fred Wilpon, thought they’d be making the necessary profits to live comfortably from investment into his friend Bernie Madoff. Unfortunately, this is a cruel world, and as long as the Mets continue to selfishly keep Jacob DeGrom, I will punish them. I will also be doing this in MLB The Show 20, because OOTP is visually kinda uninteresting.

Annoyingly, the original Tebow cannot be exported. He has a unique, scanned in face. As such, I’ve had to make facsimiles. They aren’t great, but they’ll do.

Statistically, they are identical. Original Tebow’s exact abilities have been copied to every player. (Each stat is out of 99.)

This includes the pitchers.

I’ll be honest, I’m a little scared of what I’ve done. 14 left fielders populate every batter for the Mets this season. Original Tim Tebow bats leadoff. He looks afraid.

The army of Tims Tebow has colonized Citi Field. They bring with them Bibles and footballs. They do not bring bats. Even Tim Tebow (the real one) would look at this and realise it would never work.

PART THREE: TIM TEBOW REALISES HIS MISTAKE

As someone who’s been overconfident many times in my life, I’m well aware of what happens when you’re dropped into a situation that you very rapidly realize you are not prepared to deal with. In these situations, the vast majority of people will at least have the option to quit — to swallow their pride, admit defeat, and trudge home with a bruised ego and a slightly more realistic view on their own abilities. None of the 25 Tim Tebows have been afforded such a luxury. Injuries are turned off, so even bad luck cannot get them respite. I manage the Mets, but leave everything but the MLB roster, trades, lineups, and pitching rotation to my assistant. The most important part of this endeavour is ensuring that the Tebows live independently. I will not hinder their aspirations.

Above all else, I hope this causes Original Tim Tebow to have some serious realizations. After all, sometimes when you tilt at windmills, you accidentally strike down a giant. Tim Tebow’s quest to make it back to a Big Four American Sport League has been ongoing for just shy of a decade now, and he’s no closer than he was when he was behind Mark “ran into his own offensive lineman’s ass, and directly caused his team’s biggest fan to stop showing up” Sanchez at quarterback. Surely it’s long past time to retire. It’s not like Tebow can’t get money elsewhere — he’s a host on SEC Network, and is well known enough at this point that he should live comfortably without the need to humiliate himself on a sports field. Maybe a taste of what the big leagues are actually like will help him realise he needs to hang up his boots, cleats, helmet, and whatever other sporting apparel he’s worn for a living at one point or another.

It’s the All-Star Game. A facsimile Tim Tebow is the representative of the Mets. He is slashing .266/.325/.392, good for an OPS of .717. This OPS is below the 2020 league average of .740, and as a result, Tebow’s wins above replacement is -0.6. He is comfortably their best player by every available metric.

Comparatively, Original Tim Tebow is far, far worse. His OPS of .511 is bad enough that any other team would almost certainly have waived him by now. In this Mets team, he’s good for the 7th best of all batters.

The New York Mets are collapsing under the weight of a thousand Bibles. Something has gone horribly wrong. No pitcher has an ERA below 11.

For some reason, the game has decided to give Long Reliever Tim Tebow a win, despite the Mets being 0–96. He is their best pitcher. He has an ERA of 11.76. This is, to the best of my knowledge, the worst ERA in MLB history. He is their best pitcher.

PART FOUR: AN UNDYING SPIRIT

The season is over. Tim Tebow’s New York Mets did not make the playoffs, and every Tebow will almost certainly not have a major league contract next year. Original Tebow’s morale has been “Angry” for the entire year. It makes sense — he’s played an entire season of MLB baseball on $70,000. Then again, he might also be angry that he’s hit just .212 over a full season.

Tim “Shortstop” Tebow has the best batting statistics at the end of the season, despite being acceptable at best. This team was a mistake.

Somewhere along the way here, I began to genuinely respect the Tebows here, both facsimile and real. They went out facing certain annihilation and they fought to the last. Team Tebow was shut out twenty times over the 162 game season, including one incredibly miserable stretch where they were shut out for four straight games — but they were never no-hit. There’s something admirable about the spirit to keep going even if you’re inevitably going to lose. I suppose it’s similar to Tebow’s football career post 2012, just with two fewer head-ass collisions.

Then I looked closer, and realised they’d won a game.

PART FIVE: THE KINGS OF QUEENS

I don’t know how this happened. Somehow, in the middle of the greatest stretch of futility in baseball history, this wretched team managed to win a game. Just two games after the All-Star Game, Tim Tebow’s New York Mets dragged his 24 facsimiles to Seattle, to face the Mariners. It’s probably important to note that I’m a fan of the Mariners. This hurts me on so many levels. Why was it us that had to take this loss? I fear I’m being punished by Original Tim for daring to speak out against his sports career(s).

The game was actually pretty good, to be fair to both parties involved. Going into the bottom of the ninth inning, the Mariners lead 5:4. They sent in their closer, Yoshihisa Hirano, and on his first pitch, he induced a flyout from Tim “Catcher” Tebow. The second batter up, Tim “Right Fielder” Tebow, hit a weird little blooper into left field, but the infield was playing too shallow. One baserunner on. In steps Tim “Designated Hitter” Tebow, who crushes the first pitch he sees 413 feet into right-center field. Game over. The Mariners have lost to a team consisting entirely of a quarterback/left fielder/alleged tight end.

I don’t know how I expected to end this. Maybe with Original Tim retiring at the end of the season, maybe with another screenshot of the 1–161 record at the end of the year, an impossibly awful record. I was tempted to just include a screenshot of Tebow bouncing off that teammate’s butt again. But honestly, I’m impressed by the Tims Tebow and their utter refusal to ever give in. They stood up, faced an utter pasting, and never gave in. There’s something genuinely respectable about that.

In the end, 23 of the Tim Tebows retired at the end of the season, including Original Tim, something the real man will almost certainly never do. Godspeed you, Tim Tebow. May you hit .212 forever.

This is part one of Breaking MLB, a series which I cribbed the core concept for off Jon Bois. I love Jon Bois, go follow him on twitter (@jon_bois) and check out my inspiration for this, Breaking Madden.

hey, im corentine. i like baseball, mma, and ghost towns. twitter is @yezvarn_qvilaxl, im not hard to find. love you all