Chiekezi Dozie
Nov 4 · 3 min read

People eat too damn much

I remember fondly the days of yesteryear when Sunday’s were the days you put on your best clothes and after Church you put on your best behavior as you went to visit one family member or another. These were the days I looked forward to as my uncles and aunts almost always slipped some money into the greedy hands of my brothers and I.

These days people don’t really go visiting anymore. Even worse, people don’t receive visitors either. Not because they are lacking in social skills or because they are hermits. The simple unadulterated reason is that people eat too damn much.

The cost of feeding a family of 6 unexpected guests is arduous. And you know we Africans revel in having as many children as our poverty will allow. God forbid your guests are from a polygamous family your “visit” expense will probably be the same as your family food bill for a month or two. And then there’s the generator issue.

I often wonder how our fathers pulled off this feat. I often wondered who stayed at home as everyone I knew in my small cosmos was always out visiting on Sundays. God knows more often than not we were not home on Sundays. The way and manner in which you receive your guest is universally acclaimed as one of the great characteristics of the African.

These days however, turning up at a family members home without warning and unannounced is a crime punishable by death — Death of your wallet if you answer the door. Security and gatemen are usually now instructed to learn by heart the most important three words you will have heard said to you in recent times “Oga No Dey”!!!! Even parents are not exempt!!!

People eat too damn much. As fast as we’ve fallen into poverty as a nation so also have our levels of greed and selfishness risen. The other day I sat with some close friends to eat a communal meal of eba and okra soup and one of us, I shan’t mention any names, almost got stabbed as he had hidden four pieces of meat in his gluttonous hand.

So now what some enterprising people do is solo visitation on Sundays or whichever day you know your victims are going to be home. Say for example you have a family 6. 2 parents and 4 children. All you do is decide where each of you is going to visit and the beauty of this is that you can also rotate the people to the same place. So, The 6 members of the Chibututu family can visit the Ilaka house individually for 6 weeks before they are found out.

Do not fall for the “oh we were just passing” ruse…. I have learnt not to pick up my phone on the weekends, especially from people whom I don’t see usually in my day to day. We are Nigerians and we eat and gorge ourselves on quantities of food and drink that we could never dare to eat in our own homes. People eat too damn much.

You are all invited to my house next weekend. You will meet Gbenga at the gate and you can hear him tell you, in his own words that, Oga No Dey!!!!

You people eat too damn much!!!