WHAT KEEPS ME UP AT NIGHT

BY CHIJIOKE CHRIS CHUWA

There are a few things that keep almost everyone up, the fear of not living up to our expectations, disappointing our parents, being a failure in life and many others. I’m human so these things also keep me up some nights.

Recently another thought joined the bandwagon of depressive thoughts that make me toss and turn, one that was inspired by a recent romantic comedy (which I should have skipped but these days they’re all Hollywood seems to make).

Let me give a little back story into this.

Most people have that one thing or scenario they want to act out with someone they’re in love with, their significant other

It could be a trip to Paris, a kiss under the mistletoe, a romantic drive down a scenic route or even a date at a nice restaurant. You have it all planned out in your head and it’s well scripted.

Everything is perfectly set yeah?

You find someone who checks all your boxes and the relationship moves smoothly, and you get to live out all the scenarios you’ve previously imagined, it’s going okay but it’s not all that. Along the way, life happens and you go separate ways. You’re no longer doing life with the person you acted out your script with.

Here lies my fear

You meet a new person, who makes you feel like everything else meant nothing and this was truly the moment you waited for, you’re love-struck and it is beautiful.

You start to put them in all the scenarios you’ve previously imagined and it fits to a T in your head, then as you begin to live out each one the excitement is gone there’s no eagerness or joy, it’s not as magical anymore because it’s no longer your first time. Instead of enjoying the moment you see flashbacks of the last time you were there and how it ended, however platonic the breakup was. You’re in limbo because you don’t know what to do, your mind is frozen and you realize you wasted your perfect dream scenario.

The thing is this can not be prevented, you can not withhold acting out your dream scenarios with whoever is your partner at the time because you don’t know if it’ll end or last a lifetime.

Although this might just be a fear that I solely experience, it’s a fear all the same.

Honorable mention: to all the other dumb shit that keeps me from the beauty that is slumber, I see you.