A Troubled Psychologist|Love Lost
I have read that confidence can be instilled in a child from a very young age, factors such as environment, family support, and love effectively contribute to this notion. I know that I was loved and supported even though my parents were not always physically present. My mom was very busy when I was growing up, she was either in school or at work. My dad passed away when I was 6 years old, I do not remember everything so vividly but I know that he held a very strong presence in my life, he was my best friend and I am told that I was his. When he died, I honestly didn't understand it and it was never really explained, he was just gone and I could feel and see it in my mother’s eyes that he was not coming back.
My mother was even more busier after his passing, which I now know was her way of coping, so I spent most of my time alone, school then home, home then school. The room to talk about my school struggles, friends, and even homework was very small so I did not do much of that. It may seem minor but it is the little things like that that take your child a long way. Don’t get me wrong, I do not blame my mother, she sincerely juggled everything the best way she knew she could, I am aware as an adult that such a circumstance could have not been easy to deal with. I cannot help but think that this contributes to my low self-confidence and worth (it is important to note from this, the past is only a part of who we are, not who we are, nevertheless, self reflection is very important). Perhaps it all started from here.
What is Love?
According to the Bible(New International Version respectively) love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
When we read the above statement, although correct, in most cases it is thought of in the context of love towards others and rarely as love towards ourselves. Are we victims of punishing ourselves by holding on to some of the wrongs we have done? It is possible; that act is not a display of love towards yourself. How will you put yourself in a position to forgive and let go of others’ wrongdoings if you are not able to do so for yourself right?
Are you honest enough with yourself, are you able to confront your own faults constructively and make the necessary changes that should follow? How will you be genuine with those around you and moreover how will you expect this from others.
Are you patient with yourself? Do you just hate it when you cannot get something right, or make the same mistake for the seventh time? Then how will we be patient with others and allow them to grow if we cannot do so ourselves? (This is what I mean by taking the above definition and applying it to ourselves before others)
I believe in order to love, you need to be able to do so with yourself, before with others, it has to start from within and this brings about the matter of confidence. This is a signature tool in self-love; confidence in your abilities, weaknesses, and all the traits and characteristics that make you who you are.
Unfortunately it took a lot of interactions and a very involving relationship for me to discover this. Within this relationship, I seemed to not recognize the love that my partner gave me; I didn’t recognize it because I did not know what it was for myself, I did not understand what he loved therefore I did not know what to do with the love he showed me. This made me act in ways that did not display love and hurt him so much so that he withdrew himself from the relationship, and I started to realize this which created an emotional rollercoaster. It is only now that I can see how patient he was with me, how many times he forgave me and still trusted me despite my mistakes.
Perhaps if I took time to myself before this, understood myself, and grew with myself in order to learn to love who I am and moreover who I can be, I could have treated him a bit better but dwelling on the past will not help with my journey, instead appreciating this season because I still grew and I am still growing.
Love Lost
I use the word lost in this case because I believe that it can be found, it is just misplaced. There are things that have distracted my process of self-love. Understanding what love is and seeing whether I have that for myself is the first step, when you do not have an understanding of what love is it is easy to confuse it for something else, unhealthy and unnecessary relationships/interactions for example.
In the previous article (A Troubled Psychologist|Withdrawal), my companion shared that her insecurities within herself drove her to seeking security and acceptance in others and this was provided by simply receiving attention from others. I can relate to this fact, a stranger telling you “you’re beautiful” when you do not believe it yourself, is so fulfilling. Honestly, I actually believe it for that moment, I am convinced that I am beautiful, and my actions show it, I exude confidence based off this one person’s opinion but the moment that I am with myself once again, I do not see what they see and then the cycle continues. I continue to feed this demon and invest so much of my time into that instead of applying the same efforts into learning and thus loving myself.
It is evident that a lot of human beings are in the same pool even if we may not see it as so, circumstances that do not allow you to exercise elements of love accordingly, may reflect an area that you might need to work on for yourself, it is only then that we will truly love or rather love better.
So you are probably wondering where do you even start right? How do you possibly love yourself, even a little bit better? Well, it is a journey, some journeys are longer even smoother than others but this is self-love, a personal journey therefore it will never be a uniform experience.
Look at a few of your relationships, what are some of the elements of love that you may fall a little short in towards others you do consider to “love”? These may reflect in the relationship you have with yourself. What are you holding onto that may seem to hold you back from loving yourself? Is it a mistake you made, something that you regret and cannot trust yourself for, is it something you feel you should be but are not yet, is it something you feel you should do but haven't yet? Where have you placed the love for yourself, is it in other people instead? These answers have to be identified within yourself.
How can you confidently look at yourself without turning to others? By actually looking at yourself, taking time for yourself and learning yourself. This accentuates your worth and loving is not such a burden, it becomes beautiful.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wW2jXYn3_4Y
There are 7.2 billion individuals in this world, a problem is never really your own, let’s recognize one another to overcome mental health related challenges together.
