We need to talk about male entitlement in the church

I did not come to church to find a husband.

I’ve had a mixed relationship with the church. I, like many people with Nigerian parents didn’t have a choice. Eventually I made a decision to stop attending that particular church for my own reasons , although I’d still go back for events as I still consider it as my family’s church.

I started attending a ‘multicultural’ church where it’s great to not have an overriding Nigerian (particularly Yoruba) environment — I could call people by their first names and occasionally help to lead team during services. I didn’t have to adhere to the worst parts of conservative Nigerian culture where racism isn’t recognised and Trump-apologists are encouraged. The word was also correct, relevant and relatable with progressive, personal faith being the focal point. One thing I noticed in this environment however, was the behaviour of men towards me as a woman. There seems to be this narrative that women who come to church do so with the primary (or secondary) aim of finding a husband.

There’s also a perception that women (unfortunately, particularly black women) are desperate to find a man in church, causing men to behave in such a way that is uncomfortable. Ladies, you know when that hug lasts for too long? When you try to pull away and the grip is still firm. Or when you’ve said hi to someone once and they keep insisting you come over to them even if you don’t want to? How about the stare. Or the time I was asked by someone if I was married as an ice-breaker. What do you do when personal space isn’t acknowledged? Another example was when I found my hand was being stroked. There’s a reason I don’t like holding hands to pray. I know for a fact that these behaviours wouldn’t even be attempted within the workplace. Yet men feel that because they’re in church its okay.

When I say men it’s not even like these people are the stereotypical creepy old men, these are my peers, twenty-something year olds.

Here are some newsflashes:

1. I do not come to church to find a husband. That is not the reason I started attending for myself.
2. My boyfriend does not have to be present in order for men to stop these behaviours.
3. Even if I don’t have a boyfriend, it does not mean that men should treat me in such an unsolicited manner.

I think that if the church stopped trying to play matchmaker and reduced emphasis on “finding someone” within its environment we’d see a change in the behaviours towards women. Not every day ‘singles events’ (African churches I’m looking at you) and not everyday Take Me Out spin offs. It’s one thing to be mates and it’s another to be uncomfortable in the same place where you’re trying to reconnect and find yourself.

In this era of the #MeToo movement, women have been empowered to speak against and call out incidents where they’ve felt uncomfortable. Men — don’t think you can get away with this any longer. You will be called out.