I Haven’t Lost Anything
Vitasta Chari -
They say that you know it’s over when you are more in love with your memories than with the person standing in front of you.
I still have every message and every picture you sent me. I can’t bring myself to delete any of them. You could say that I’m still very much in love with my memories.
When you wished me “Happy New Year” last year, I didn’t expect it to the be the last one ever. I remember reading Kafka on the Shore (which you recommended to me) on my way to Atlanta to watch the ‘Peach Drop.’ You wished me a happy new year at exactly midnight, even though there was a 14 hour time difference between us.
I remember talking to you all night, every night for almost 9 months. I didn’t even notice the time go by when I was talking to you. I remember each and every time you called me, crying, and all I wanted to do was make you stop somehow. Hearing the pain in your voice hurt me so much. I remember all the times I made you smile and giggle and especially blush. Making you blush was my favorite thing in the world. I remember everything.
And then you just left? For random hookups? For a monkey-ass looking dude who doesn’t know a thing about you, who wasn’t there for you when you were thinking about giving up over and over again, when you were crying your heart out to me on the phone, or when you were trying to get past your eating disorder? I know you said that looks don’t matter to you, but seriously? He looks like a drunk homeless person.
Were you just using me the whole time? Did you just like the attention? You just left me so in the dark.
Sometimes the memories I shared with you creep back into my head and I think to myself — how could I have lost an entire year? Was it wasted on you? I have to keep reminding myself of who I used to be. The carefree, loving guy who didn’t give a fuck about anything and just wanted to enjoy life one day at a time. I wasn’t that guy anymore with you, especially after you cheated the first time. And, after that, I was trying my best to go back to the old me, and I almost made it too. But once you started at HKUST, going back to drinking and cheating and clubbing, I just couldn’t anymore. I regressed, and then you just left instead of trying to help me.
You lose a little bit of yourself when you’re in a relationship, no doubt, and after it’s all over it’s hard to be your old self. That’s what I was struggling with for the past few months, but I’ve finally got it figured out. I’m back to my old amazing self.
But I’m different too.
The year wasn’t wasted. I learned a lot from you and everything you put me through, and I’m a much stronger person now because of it.
It was so hard because I thought I died after you left. And you didn’t care if I was alive or dead, and I have a feeling that you still don’t. But I’m still alive, the old me. My childhood is still intact, my friends are all still there, my family is still there — I haven’t lost anything.
Happy New Year, Chipmunk. I wish I could just talk to you one last time to figure out what happened.