2021, A Better Friend

Uju calls countless times. I see a number calling and I don’t bother to pick up the call. Why? Because only three people in this entire world should have that number. Anyone else who has it didn’t get it with my permission. She sends a text, “Bitch, pick up the fucking calls. It’s Uju!…”

I eventually call her back, and she STILL answers and even shares the recent beauties in her life with me ❤️

Segun calls repeatedly, and I deliberately miss the call and don’t call back. It’s no personal slight against Segun; he’s a phenomenal human being.

I call Benard with a HIDDEN NUMBER because I don’t want him to have my other number — the one that always goes through. I want him to just have the one that occasionally goes through, so I will be the one in control of how frequently we communicate. Even articulating this shit sounds mean as fuck!

“When can I call you again?,” he’ll ask.

“Whenever I call you.”

Joshua shares all with me, his big wins and little battles, then turns around to know what is currently up with his friend only to meet the response, “Life has been good.”

“What does that mean? Where are you now? What are you doing? I know you are working on something, what is it? I just shared mine with you…” he will say, his frustration clearly gaining momentum.

“Don’t worry about it. Let’s talk later…” I say dismissively and end the conversation because it has swerved into uncomfortable territory.

Jed calls far more frequently than I ever have just to check up on a friend, but all the numbers he has are the ones that are hardly ever available. He could easily stop there, but he will still reach out to Chisom to be sure I am hale and hearty. I remember having the effrontery to be mad at him sometime for not reaching out when I wanted him to reach out. Imagine!

Despite the chats I ignore ON PURPOSE, Justy still replies to every other status. Either an opinion to pine in or a praise to give. Phew! Daalụ Nwanne mmadụ.

Akeem has called so many times this year just to check up on an old friend. I either ignore the chats or miss the calls and don’t call back. He calls me out on it, I apologize because I really do feel remorseful but I end up doing the same thing — AGAIN.

“I am busy now. I will call you back. Please leave your phone on,” he’ll say after he was finally able to get across to me.

“Bye dear. We’ll speak when next we can,” I’ll say, knowing fully well what that means.

Kay Kay used to send me new month messages, religiously. I always expressed my gratitude but I never reciprocated that gesture. We were just colleagues for a couple of months so such thoughtfulness strikes a sentimental chord.

Mr. Lekan, in his own way, keeps trying to reach out via chats. Chats that I mostly ignore on purpose. That is very rude, I know.

I call Daniel mostly when I need a favor from him despite this guy being one of the kindest people that blessed my life in my early years in Lagos. Yet he calls on birthdays, and checks up every other day.

The shit you accommodate from me, I can’t take 1/4th of it from any other human.

But you do, and I am beyond grateful. I am really sincerely grateful. I am just too fucking self-absorbed to keep great relationships.

The friends I do not have isn’t because I haven’t met phenomenal people, I HAVE. But because I can’t sustain friendships. That feeling of wanting to exist alone in my own little world and thoughts, hide in my caricature of a cave (encased by music and new SIM cards) — that feeling of wanting to mind my business and mind it well — basically elaborate ways of defining SELF-ABSORPTION — keeps getting in the way of great friendships.

But in 2021, I will be more deliberate about friendships and being a present friend. I suffer severe mood swings, and get irritated easily… But that is my monkey and circus. That shouldn’t be a burden any other person should have to deal with for the sake of friendship.

So thank you!

Come 2021, I will be more deliberate with these things… and hopefully better.

I can be an amazing friend. I have no malice in my heart, and so hardly ever feel envious of other people’s win. I am just too fucking aloof, paranoid, and self-absorbed… That’s all.

PS: I will be reaching out to some old friends again. I hope there is still room in your heart for reconciliation. Hopefully we can still find the spark that made old flames blaze.

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Journaled on 12/8/2020