“This is the most challenging project of my life!” declares my friend. We are at a company annual retreat outside Bangalore, and he’s talking about getting a suitable groom for his daughter. My friend’s daughter works overseas and has asked her parents to help her find a spouse. This is not an easy task, given the logistics in terms of geography — parents in India, girl in Europe, boys in the US. My friend is a devout adhering-to-all-customs traditionalist, which poses its own social challenges in finding a suitable boy.

“The list has whittled down to a mere 5 boys at last count.” My friend sighs with a hint of despair. He has already started balding and the creases on his forehead are more pronounced than before. But I can’t help admire the military precision with which he goes about his work and the way he’s roped in every friend and family member to assist him in this project. As his nieces and nephews are marrying outside his own community he feels burdened with the responsibility of looking for a ‘suitable’ boy. He confides that he feels like the last man standing on a shaky ground. “Even if I were to broaden my scope, the elders are putting a lot of pressure on me and constantly looking over my shoulder!”

With changing times, arranged marriages are becoming less the norm with India’s urban youngsters. The whole horoscope-matching, girl-viewing process is now being replaced by biodata-matching, Skype-viewing of the leads involved. In cases where the parents are asked to pitch in, they face a herculean task of trying to match their children’s schedules as the boy and girl are working in different cities, if not different continents.

Recently I overheard two young women at a bookstore talking about marriage. One of them was harping on how her parents were pressurizing her to get married to a boy that they approved of, before she left the country. Her friend was encouraging her to simply relocate before she met anyone as her prospects would improve significantly. “I’m not just referring to work, but also finding the right guy!” her friend asserts.

Rita, a neighbor who has been trying to get her son married for the last couple of years is frustrated. “My son clears his calendar for the week, then the girl suddenly leaves town on work. Then when she calls him, my son is reluctant to make a move as he feels she’s playing hard to get. It’s easier inviting my pernickety kitty party group for lunch.”

On the home front, the story is not that different for my cousins and their children living overseas who are in their 30s and yet to find a partner. Their parents have stopped spreading the word around even though the grandparents are checking out the mandaps (marriage halls) in town as hope springs eternal. The last time a niece had met a boy at a Parisian cafe, she had declared that he was too much of a “mamma’s boy” as he had promised to get back to her after conferring with his parents.

I left my friend with the wisdom of my octogenarian aunt that “Marriages are not really made in heaven but very much on earth.” She adds, “Tying the knot is only the first step, the hard work begins after that!”