“My Dating DNA ”— part II.
-there’s always more.
Had to come back and just lay some more of this out so that we really do all we can to squeeze something valuable out of it.
So going back to what I shared with all of you yesterday, I want to highlight plainly what my dating DNA was telling me about the girl I was and the woman I’d become (before I made some headway in my work).
But first, a couple glaring reminders —
People can only love you as much as they are whole.
One’s capacity or skill level when it comes to love, can only go as far as the quality of their experience of being loved themselves and/or their love for themselves.
In fewer words —
People can’t give you what they don’t possess.
Using a basic example of money, no matter how much I want to donate to the cause of eradicating poverty by donating $1,000,000 — wanting to give $1,000,000 and having it to give are two very different things. If I don’t have it, guess what? I can’t give it!
So I started this list of “truths” I grabbed from looking at my dating record and there’s some value in it… for the sake of just walking this out with you I’ll list a few:
- I did not believe I was worth more so I put up with mediocrity even when it didn’t sit well with me
- If dad was within arm’s reach (physically) but still so far away (emotionally)— I really couldn’t be good enough
- Though I did well in other areas of my life, I did not have a sense of love and belonging from/with my dad and I couldn’t borrow confidence from other areas and add it to this area of deficit —
- I would always have hard relationships with men — it would not get better
I can go on and you’d probably nod along in agreement, following the storyline of how I got there but all of what I just listed — though valid to a great degree, was a matter of perception and the impact of one glaring fact —
My dating DNA is soooooooo not informing me about me! This soundtrack is about my dad’s experience — his not feeling a strong sense of love and belonging somewhere in his story — his family. Oh, it’s all interconnected for certain. But the basic truth here is something we’ve talked about a lot already — broken in, broken out. Whatever lot my pop acquired from his parents, is what he had to put out and because much of his lot went unchecked, unresolved, unheard — I got what I got. His heart was broken long before he became a husband, a dad.
Noooooow, I know that the truth is that he does possess love for me and probably always has — but his delivery system came defected. I believe that if he knew and understood the impact it would have on his family, and for the sake of our conversations here, his little girl, he would’ve done anything to change the narrative!
So my greatest takeaway from this whole thing is this — once upon a time, this man was a boy who needed the love and nurturing of the parents assigned to him. Things didn’t go the way he hoped they would. That boy grew and became a man who did the best he could with what he had. He loves his children in the best way he knows how and longs to see us all happy and thriving. These “perceptions” I experienced and labeled as facts, are exactly that, perceptions — which only take into consideration my account based on my needs — what I did with them then holds little power over what I’m able to do with it now. The truth is — though I did not feel worthy, secure, and deserving — I am all those things — worthy, secure, and deserving. While I will never be able to control everything, I can contribute healthy thoughts, feelings and behaviors to myself despite what my story was — Now, I hold the paintbrush to the canvas of my life — and I aim for a masterpiece most of the time.
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About the author: My name is Chivonne Williams and I am a certified — licensed clinical social worker with 14 years of experience in providing mental health services to diverse populations ranging from youth population in urban communities to families in rural neighborhoods, as well as the prison system to our nation’s veterans. I am desperately passionate about women’s emotional health and wellness with special attention to relationship with self and others. I’ve got a story of my own and I believe transparency is paramount to freedom and authentic living. You can follow me on Instagram @Chivonne.Erica, on Facebook @ Chivonne Erica, and on Twitter @ChivonneErica.