Three little words. So much power. So much zen. Aaaaahhhhh…
If there are some overachievers out there who can relate, there’s always, always work to do. Work on yourself, work for yourself, your boss, your partner, your children, your parents — you name it. Furthermore, if you’re anything like me it’s all or nothing. There is no middle ground even though you know that biting off a piece at a time is just the most sensible route to take when taking on larger than life tasks. But when it’s a task that you’re not crazy about, you think to yourself that if you just hurry up and jump in the deep end and swim quickly it’ll be over just as fast. All this does though, is further reinforce just how much you hate whatever that annoying task is.
Something I am forever working on, not working on, and working on — is balance. Dear Jesus, I just can’t seem to figure this sucka out! I’m either picking up the mail everyday or not at all. Don’t judge me! I just hate mail. What is it about?! I. Don’t. Know. Stop judging. (I’m feeling a little rambly so hold on.)
Full disclosure: I am terribly codependent and my recovery is quite a mess. The things I need to do in order to live a better quality of my life require immeasurable patience, tolerance, and self-love… something I have for others but very little for myself. So in my “therapizing” of myself, I find that the very thing I need to do so desperately for myself, I don’t do, and I tell myself (and others, I’m sure) that I am “okay” when I am not, and I go headlong into dispensing myself among those I care about… never showing that I might need some help or support of any kind. Ugh. It’s pretty ridiculous.
So when I eventually hit a wall in this vicious cycle, I have to shut it down and collect the pieces of me that are scattered hither and yon. I try to self-correct which is just truly a daunting task.
If you can’t tell by now, today’s post is probably not going to resemble the usual tone of other postings. I can’t tell you what the goal or the solution is because I don’t know it yet. And I accept that. Perhaps, that’s it right there. To simply utter my truth for today and sit with the uncomfortable feelings that it brings as I try to embrace this mountainous feat called my life…
So I’ve got the feels peeps, that’s just what it is today. I’m uncomfortable. I don’t like it very much. But this mantra (scripture), “Peace, be still” is doing something for me right now.
I want to be the best me possible… I want to accomplish the work all at once, knowing that self-love/self-care is a s l o w, compassionate, ongoing work.
Self love is a slow, compassionate, ongoing work.
I am alright. The work will get done… and there will be a new mountain to face. I’ll collect myself and I’ll climb that one, too.
Peace, be still.
My name is Chivonne, and I’m codependent.
Still cute though!