I’ll Never Write The Right Thing
(or, How To Not Be A Blogger)
One night during high school I went to a friend’s house to work on our history project. What I thought would be a quick 30 minute finishing-touches type deal ended up being a night-long session during which she formatted and re-formatted the aesthetic appearance of our content while I sat idly by and silently praised myself for not “being like that.”
I continued to deny my perfectionism until the day I became a barista. What tipped me off wasn’t my lack of latte art skills but rather my astrology-fluent coworker who, upon first meeting me, wasted no time informing me of my Virgo-ness and all the traits that accompany it. Who knew I was so detail-oriented? Well…he did. I surely didn’t. I simply thought I was ultra-competitive and a huge fan of being #1 (still true); I had never allowed myself to accept that I could be a perfectionist in some ways (writing) but not-so-much in others (graphically designing a high school homework project). I also hadn’t quite realized that being competitive translates into perfectionism when you’re highly competitive against yourself. Bingo. If I hadn’t held on to the “history project incident” definition of perfection for so many years I probably could have spotted the signs of my crazy much sooner.
Confession: I have 4 blogs. I’ve only publicly shared this one, and even so I consider it somewhat of a failure, which is why I never shared the other sites; failure. (Basically they are comprised of ideas that aren’t nearly as fleshed-out as I pictured they would be when I began the project). I started each of these with specific topics in mind but realized along the way that I am highly unqualified to speak on any of the subjects I attempted to tackle (aka: Chloe the Wannabe Music Critic, Chloe the Wannabe Sociologist, Chloe the Wannabe Sports Guru). I never picked the right thing to focus on. Each attempt showcased a part of me, but it couldn’t encompass all of me. After realizing this, I still wanted to share my writing through some sort of social, public outlet but first needed to take the immense pressure of perfection off of my own shoulders. And so began an entirely new project; This Blog, created at the dawn of my study abroad experience.
I remember spending hours in a Starbucks (not too far from the one in which I work now!) crafting my first post and nervously wondering what the new people I added on Facebook would think if I mentioned them in my first-ever publicly-shared blog post (thanks for never judging me, ISA crew). Regretfully, I’ve turned what was supposed to be my honest and low-key public journal into yet another collection of inadequate, unpublished drafts.
Today I’m reclaiming it.
In practiced fashion I spent the past month thinking of the right way to re-instate a personal interest my blog and re-introduce my blog to the world. Several deleted drafts, shower thoughts, and chance conversations later I still hadn’t committed to the project until today when I accidentally clicked on a wrong link while job hunting. Penelope Trunk wrote in 2010 exactly what I needed to read today; a post that brought me to the sobering realization…
I’ll never pick the right thing to write. I need to make my brain shut up and just write.
Essentially, I fail to finish my drafts because I’m trying too hard to make it perfect or be #deep or accurately explain the one interesting thing that happened in my life this week. As someone who makes a point to be authentic in all things, I have focused far too narrowly on the wrong story lines. Obsessing about writing on prescribed topics won’t make my life interesting to other people. As Penelope’s article says, obsessing over the “redemption story line” doesn’t make your life sound interesting… it’s the good writing that will captivate the audience (her post is a thousand times better-crafted and more interesting than mine though so at the very least hop over there and skim it for a hot sec). She also doesn’t think anyone’s life is all that interesting, a point on which we hold vastly different opinions, but I guess that’s a topic I can save for a blank page and another day.
If you’ve managed to stick it out this far into the post, thank you. I’ve done nothing but talk about myself, and I can’t say that’s not the direction this blog will veer towards from this point onward. I would love to apologize in advance for that, but at this point I won’t allow myself to do so because, well, earlier I mentioned my commitment to being authentic, right? I think it’s time to wean myself off of finding the most gripping topic piece and simply practice the art of writing.
I’m tired of grasping the reins too tightly, trying to get it all juuuust right, and being disappointed after falling short of perfection (umwhatI’mhuman?!). I’m big enough to admit that I’ll still spend hours crafting each post, but here’s my public vow to hide the work no longer. I’ll write it, I’ll share it, and I’ll fully experience that vulnerability in place of avoiding the “publish” button and religiously using the “save draft” tab as a wall to separate myself from potential readers and future connections. To be a blogger ya gotta actually start sharing some things sometimes, right?
Imperfectly and authentically,
Chloe The Wannabe Writer
