Ah, boundaries.
I’ve struggled with them greatly in the past and realized my problem stemmed from confusing boundaries with walls. As a child I craved closeness, but walls were the survival instinct I used in an attempt to prevent too much being taken from me at once. Perhaps you can relate. This survival mechanism followed me into adulthood and halted many opportunities for intimacy before they even started. Walls and boundaries are both used for self-preservation, but the route you choose reveals the type of relationship you have with yourself.
When I’d put up walls, I believed I was protecting myself from vulnerability. I thought I was protecting myself from being used or taken advantage of. Boundaries were too vulnerable; they exposed me to deeper intimacy which I was not emotionally equipped for. When you practice boundaries, you’re letting someone know where they stand with you and what your limits are; walls shut you down. When you don’t know yourself, when you don’t have conviction, boundaries become extremely difficult. They require you to clearly communicate your needs or limits to yourself or to another person. Boundaries cause you to have skin in the game. Walls are self-disqualification from the game.
