Morning pages

30.05.16

Writing on a laptop is extra challenging because the internet ceaselessly distracts you from the fact that writer’s block has dawned upon you.

Confession: I’m completely struggling with consistency, commitment and self-discipline. This is the number one thing my first year of college, and my first time living on my own has made clear to me. One thing i’ve been doing well for the past two weeks is waking up early (around 6–7am), despite it being almost impossible at first — due to a whole year of chaotic sleep schedules — I must admit nothing quite matches the feeling of being awake when everyone else still sleeps, of headstarting your day and having a little ‘me’ time.

This year made me realize that my family and close friends acted as a infailible support system, that I may or may not have taken for granted back in the days.

What college teaches you:

  • Forget about everything you thought about the world, and yourself.
  • Whatever you thought was true for the past 18 years is most probably going to be turned upside down.
  • You change, people change, and its alright.
  • People will come in and out of your life, and that’s alright too.
  • Only 20% of what you’ve learned throughtout these 3–4 years comes from academics. The rest comes from living.
  • You will learn to be a support system for yourself.
  • You will learn to deal with things on your own.
  • Hustle hustle hustle

02.06.15

Keeping up to these morning pages is a little hard. Mostly because I (unconsciously) tell myself that I actually on’t have any ideas worth writing down, ‘better wait a little for substantial idea to emerge’. But truth is, despite the common conception of ideas dawning upon us in mysterious and miraculous ways (an apple falling on our head ect.) I now understand that most good ideas need to be dragged out. That is, they don’t come to us, we need to put effort into pulling them out of their latent space. And most often for me, this process occurs through writing. By putting words onto thought, i am able to rationalize, concretise, and objectify these ideas. The act of writing entails an act of thinking, that is essential to the birth of ideas. Writing helps me make sense of what goes on inside my head.

So now, every time I look for excuses to skip my morning pages (writing a page every morning), I only need to think and wonder about the myriad of ideas that have never seen the light of day, because I couldn’t be bothered to give them a thought and write them down here. On lazy days where morning pages don’t happen, my mind becomes a cemetery of ideas. We don’t want that to happen, do we?

3.06.16

June, love wins.
2016 so far has brought a sea of change into my life. 2015 me would’ve never guessed that I now make jokes about being queer, or that I feel 120% comfortable explaining my sexuality when asked about it. High school was the bane of my existence. And at the risk of sounding overly cliché, I must admit college finally enabled me to be genuinely myself. First year of college is about throwing yourself into a new world, surrounded by new faces, and the only thing you should do is being yourself. I now look in the mirror and am able to say, ‘this, this is me’. Good god how it feels good. Accepting myself has made me so much more confident around others.

4.06.16

Things I need to learn about:
- Brexit
- US elections
- Taiwan China, cross strait relations
- The state of LGBTQA+ movements across the world
- Loi du travail, Nuit Debout

Spend 10 hours on each subject, write a review of what I’ve learned.

6.06.16

Finally making it to the gym. After a week of going out, manic dancing, slightly overdrinking and fucked up sleep schedules, I realized I had made ‘having fun’ a priority that trumped my own health priorities. Literally haven’t stepped in the gym that week. It’s time to change that. I am aware that I am writing this article to a virtually non-existent audience, but the idea of an audience helps me keep myself accountable, so bear with. Beginnings are always harder, because your physical, bodily capacities are much lower than what you expect from your body. But 1 is already more than 0, and the only secret is to just keep moving, keep going on, keep showing up. I don’t think there is anything more satisfying that setting your own objectives, showing up at your own will and realizing your own goals.

The spirit of 1968. Watched a brilliant documentary ‘Vincennes, l’Université perdue’ from ARTE, about the construction and destruction of what could’ve potentially been the greatest project for a liberal, forward-thinking, popular university. Anyone could apply, there were no prerequisites in terms of diploma, age, social class and what not. The project was a direct product of the 1968 uprisings. The Université de Vincennes was in a way, the brain child of 1968. Imagine being taught by the writers you read. Scholars who elaborate their thoughts and philosophy as they speak, seminars that actually involve an exchange of ideas, a collision of minds. An university that actively encourages its students to stay woke, to be aware of things that matter, to read for their own pleasure, to learn for the sake of learning and expanding your mind.

8.06.16

I need radical changes in my life. I had a painfully moment of weakness, during which I realised that I have spent most of my time being reactive instead of active. I have told myself throughout most of revision, that once I was over with exams, I’d finally be able to indulge in my projects, read more and do all the things that matter, basically. And now, a week later, I must admit none of this happened. I meet people, go out and have a couple drinks, walk around and generally have a great time, but I feel like this fun has taken over the things that actually matter, that is my work, my projects, my photography. I want to use the time I have over summer to start bigger projects, to level up my photography and film-making, and to figure out what I want next year to look like.

Yesterday night I fell sick. High fever, banging headache ect. No way I could sleep, and in fact didn’t sleep at all. Finally fell asleep by 6am, and next thing I know, it is now 12am and I just woke up. One thing I hate the most is wasted time. Where the hell did my morning go?! Likewise, I was the same feeling when spending too much time on the internet, binge watching youtube videos. You can easily spending hours and hours, and if you don’t pay attention, it can quickly become a routine.

Possible solutions:
- be more aware of the way you spend your time.
- avoid any youtube videos, Facebook related stuff, unless it is productive/educational
- make reading books a habit.

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