is this really it?

life. there are certain milestones that we are all meant to “pass”. you sit up, you learn to crawl, walk, feed yourself. you go to school, you make friends, you go to college, you get a job, have a career, (if you’re lucky) you meet someone, fall in love, get married, have a family…

but what if you don’t hit those milestones? what if your life looks really different? what then? there is no map. there is no script.

i’m finding myself feeling very lost. i’m about to turn 50. 50! how did i get here? i wasn’t supposed to live past 25. depression should have killed me by now. i hadn’t figured on making it this far, i have no contingency plan.

i have a job. a well paying one, in a field that i have grown to hate, doing things that i don’t enjoy, but feeling trapped by the salary tier i have achieved, and the mortgage that i have to pay.

i don’t know what i want to be when i grow up. i don’t know who i want to be when i grow up. hell, i don’t really even know what i’m passionate about.

i have no family to speak of. of course, thankfully, both my parents are still here, but when they are gone, it’s just me. i have no legacy to leave. no progeny. i am alone in life. somewhat by choice, and somewhat by circumstance.

i am perpetually misunderstood, people think i am mean, but really, i am just very sad. i wear an armor. i push people away. it is a defense mechanism, and i know this, but feel powerless to change it.

my whole life feels like a series of happenstances and mistakes. i have been told that i am so smart and so capable, but feel unable to change my circumstance.

i know i can’t possibly be alone. i know that there are others out there who are battered around by life, who have found themselves in situations that they did not plan on or anticipate. i know that there are other people who are asking, “is this it?”.

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