Is it over or is it just a new beginning?
I had to admit that I was down, deep down. I overburdened myself and the things I do cannot make me happy any more. I got tired, especially my spirit. The true love of life that was most characteristic of me have faded, the fire that once burned have become a small, blinking light. I messed something up really bad. I cried often and fled into deep slumber afterwards. I was a burden even to myself, at times, my life seemed pointless. I reached a point when I felt: Enough! I can’t bear it, just let me go. It crossed my mind not to breathe again. Unbelievable but I really felt it. Not all the time but there were minutes I truly thought about it. It scared me. Made me sad. The fact itself, not the act. I did no such thing, and I suspect that my instincts would have made me breathe long before my mind but still… I wondered. Where is the girl full of enthusiasm, happiness and dreams? Where is the girl who looks beyond the wheelchair and believes that someday she tosses it away? Where is the girl, more like a woman and wife now, who charges others with her energy? Where is that woman who 90 % of the nights goes to sleep thinking: “That’s it! Another wonderful day! I loved it, can’t wait for the next one!” Where is the woman who loves herself with all her gifts, whom you only need to look at to uncover just how valuable is the here and NOW, that the opportunity to live, move and make decisions is a present.
I’ve lost my way terribly. Consciously, I could always bring it out though. I was able to show it during a motivational speech or a post on social media, I always knew how to pass on my thoughts that were carved deeply in my mind. I knew — for that was my so called profession all my life — what to do and how to do to inspire others and how to call forth the life force of others, however, I only knew this with Them and I lost my way to Myself. Formerly, I do not only knew it but I lived by it. For a time, I haven’t.
There is no one to blame here. No one except for me. Although, I wouldn’t even call it my fault. More like another state, and again, the choice is mine, how to relate to it. The decision is mine whether to let myself roll down the same path or I hit the brakes and start to climb back. Back towards the peak! Enough of drifting! I’d like to be Me once more. The woman who loves living, who make herself happy and inspire others to do the same. Instead of words, with acts again.
You may say that the whole thing is a ‘wow, so enormous crisis’, you may start munching on it, throw another thought on me that I would kindly refuse. Respectfully I ask You and others too that instead of tearing me to tiny pieces, please support me by looking at me as a woman, as a human, who is honest with herself, with others. The woman for whom writing is a splendid therapy. The woman who feels an inner drive to write and besides herself tries to encourage everyone that hitting the floor is neither shame nor weakness. During my life, I have been blossoming, sweet perfumed flower. Today, I am one that closed its petals, shutting out all the light but I consider myself strong enough to start over. To open my arms step by step and embrace life and opportunities once again.
Starting today, I climb upwards again. I switch the ‘musts’ to what I love. Once more, I journey back to myself, and I will tell tales about these adventures and invite anyone who’d like to be part of my development along.
For a minute, let’s forget everything anyone knows about me. Everything anyone thinks, heard or seen. Let’s forget what was, the essence is hiding in the Now. What is now? I would like to tell my stories starting with blank pages. I do this for it feels good. It feels good to write and to tell stories. To put myself together. I don’t write for crowds, I write primarily for myself. Out of myself, for my entertainment. Still, I do this publicly for there might be someone on Earth who, besides me, finds joy in it, someone who is given a little extra by it. Let’s say during shaking home in an old vehicle, or after a day believed to have been the worst ever, before a huge commitment, between towering waves. Then, it was all worth it.
I’ve heard and read lots and lots of predictions but I’m still here alive. For a time, I don’t care about diagnoses simply because I’m limited by them. Four months ago, I blew my 28 shaped candle on my birthday cake and a few weeks ago, I officially became resident of Siófok, where I always dreamt to live. I live in a flat on the first floor with my husband Sándor and our tiny-sweet silky maltese dog named Falatka (Little Bite). Who has a very big mouth compared to his tiny body, especially from the balcony and beside me, however, when he stops barking and get closer to you he will most certainly carry you off your feet, your wheels, even make your crutches fly.
We’re still night owls with Sándor, who is still the best husband and partner for me. The best inspirer who is getting more and more handsome over the years. Arguing and diving in the depths of our souls we can, but with even more heat stand up for each other. He is sleeping right now. With him in the living room, I write in the bedroom in the soft foam of my turquoise blue, green dotted beddings. Part of our lives are a woman and a man as well, Lilla and Levente. It’s not an everyday relationship we’re living in, there’s no boredom here, from early morning until late afternoon, there are quite a few people running around me helping with bathing, putting clothes on or even cooking in our home. Sándor’s on his feet, I am yet in wheelchair but it has its advantages, especially when he wants to go riding or on a segway adventure. I am always there to satisfy his playfulness. And yes, before anyone starts guessing, we do “ride” in other contexts too, not in headstand or to the wall yet but taking the bright side, at least we don’t require ropes when he desires me keeping my hands at my head.
On weekdays, we start the day around 8 o’clock. We wake to the doorbell. Levente arrives. He is our assistant, who is much-much more in reality. We procrastinated our decision to hire someone way too long. We had a dilemma. On one hand our firm, work, mailing and errands had bygone our capacity. On the other, it wasn’t unbearable enough to raise our costs without judgement. However, my downfall was partially due to the lack of creativity and more of robotic labour that I did along with Sándor to be able to operate, to live on. Shredded into pieces, lost in the “fabulous” forests of paper piles, tax filings and invoice management. Then Levente came along, who pulled me out of this hole. How on earth did we reach the point where my assistant helps me out of bathtub while I am only covered with a single towel? Obviously, my intentions are far from playing the sexy women who drops down the linen by accident. Although our life is movie material sometimes, this time there’s no sudden twists in the story. He is a fantastic guy, handsome and charming but besides those facts, I adore how the way he talks, loves her wife and with my advertisement, I was really looking for an assistant instead of dating partner. Still, today, he helps along as well. We try to ease the burden on Sandor’s back, literally, for the things he went through with me, for me in the past years calls for regeneration, especially if we’d like to do it upside down once. J
Yesterday, a bald-jacked-tattooed man with a cool-black car almost tore my dear Sankó’s head off. To be absolutely honest though, Sanyi did provide reason for him to do so…in his defense, the situation was pressuring. Again, literally. I was alone at home, he left to do shopping and the food I had earlier did its own job in the meantime my stomach did not approve of. He had 3 minutes to put a 7-minute road behind. At a red light, he dashed in front of our driver in question to be able to continue to rush to me as soon as it switches to green. He did a great job at making our man furious. Not even a little. He started chasing him and at the next red light, he shouted out on the car window…
‘F*ck you bro, you got a problem with the Highway Code?’
‘Before you tear my head off, my wife feels wrong that’s why I hurry.’
‘Then f*cking hurry home’ now inspiringly.
He arrived home right on time. Afterwards, we were joking that given his sudden change of mood into a ‘peaceful, nice, understanding’ gentleman, Sándor could’ve asked him to put his powers into good use and join along to help lifting me to the bathroom from bed. It is art-like to achieve this sparing Sankó’s back.
Although, we do have a special technique for this as well. Next time, I am going to tell you more about Lilla, who is a fairy, and we got to admit that both of us have already checked her shapes out behind her back. I meant Sankó and I. Levi is a good boy, he hasn’t stolen a look. Furthermore, I’m going to tell you what provoked the thought of being enough. What I do to bring myself back to life, what practices I have and how taking a shower goes with Lilla. What happens when two girls get in the bathroom, while the boys working hard out in the living room. What was it that replaced the ‘musts’ in my life? How did I get to the point where I want to spend 70% of my time doing things that I LOVE… and most importantly: will I really succeed?
P.S.: To avoid misunderstandings, I am climbing up, I would like to breathe and live! I am NOT giving up, more like starting over. Fanny, Mosolyka (Little Smile) carries on, and stands up again to release the best of the moment, day, week and life… and I hope that others will be inspired along the way J
Thank you for joining me.
Thank you for your feedback.
Thank you for your sharing, if you favour so.
Thank you for you doing something for yourself too.
Thank you for following me on my page with a good grace.
Thank you for understanding that the choice is yours, every moment of every day in your whole life.