Impatient

Impatience is a lot more an insidious poison than I thought. It starts when we don’t get what we want, barely a thought. It can quickly grow however, and might lead to more serious stuff like depression, perpetual bad temper and a sharp tongue that more than easily lashing out to hurt others.

It is so seriously hard to detect that even something so small as just a sigh might betray the deep seated impatience inside out heart. We can even cloak it with well meaning and gentle words like “I wish he could just buck up a little and start being more responsible, it’s really for his own good.” can really show that we might really be looking down on the subject of our frustration instead of worrying for his genuine welfare.

The easiest sign to spot when we are impatient I suppose would be agitation and irritation, no matter how small it is. I was sitting beside my daughter, and she was lying down with her legs up in the air moving about. Just as I was doing something engrossing, down comes her right leg onto my face, and it knocked my glasses off. Seems familiar? Everyone of us might encounter something like this now and then. Or another example I am doing something I need to rush off quickly to meet a deadline. Then someone comes along and demands my attention on something that obviously is of less importance than what I am doing. Or when I see my son doing something that I have told him again and again not to do for the dangerous consequence it may bring? How would we react in such circumstances? I know I don’t usually react well. Sometimes my kids might get a scolding (yes it happens that often), and sometimes I just don’t say anything but do a small sigh, while attempting to control myself.

So what’s wrong with my reactions? They both seem legitimate, given that I am surprised and didn’t see it coming. What’s wrong with giving my daughter a scolding or even just asking her to be a bit more careful the next time? If I don’t caution my son, what if he does that dangerous thing again and hurt himself? These are all seemingly the correct thing to do.

Yet what I discovered is that impatience is usually the thing that ignites our reaction and maintain it. Why couldn’t he understand what I told him for so many times? Why couldn’t he see that it is obviously a dangerous thing to do? These are the thoughts that run through my mind, and I sighed deeply that parenting is so difficult but yet I have to slog on as it is my duty. It struck me that I am really impatient because I hope he would already be as sensible and responsible and spiritual like me. And that is the problem — when our reaction starts as self-righteous impatience. Never mind his character might be so different from mine that it makes it difficult for him to do things that comes easily to me. Never mind it might really be a genuine mistake. Never mind that a child needs to be given time to learn and that I was probably worse than him when I was his age. Never mind all these things, as when I am impatient, I have already looked down on him, and I hoped things were different.

Then everything goes down hill from there. When I hope that things are different I really am questioning God — whether He really knows what He is doing. Imagine the audacity, that some created being asks if the creator really knows what He is doing. Of course it applies to everything in our life, not just when someone else injures us or did us wrong. I might be wishing for things that I should have but don’t. I might wish that things can go a bit faster than they are going now. I might be wishing that there won’t be so many problems lurking around. It’s all the same. I am impatient, and it grew into dissatisfaction. If unchecked, it will grow into depression indeed. Not only does it make me angry with God, it makes me angry with others, and when I am angry I already sin against the other party, for it is impossible to love when I am angry. And God is love and He does not sin. Without love, I sin, but with love I can forgive and love even more.

Imagine if God were to be impatient with us. I don’t know, I don’t want to think what might happen.