Dave: The ‘Competitive’ Friend We All Have
The unreasonable expectation of being successful simply because you want to be.
Game Night
It’s a Thursday night. You and your friends are playing some sort of organized sport for ‘fun’ and recreation.
This could be anything: hockey, soccer, volleyball, softball, etc. Take your pick.
Whatever the game, the score is close, and the final moments are approaching.
A critical moment in the game happens — the opportunity to win the game is now in the hands of one of your teammates — let’s call him ‘Dave’.
It’s a textbook play, requiring very little skill other than a command over the basic techniques of the game.
If Dave can make this play the game will be over and your team will win.
Dave makes a mistake.
He fails.
The game, which just moments ago was yours to win, has now turned in favor of the other team.
Shortly afterwards, the game is over. Your team never had another opportunity to win the game.
Your team lost.
“Oh well, at least we had fun”, you think to yourself.
Post Game
Normally, after a game, Dave is in a great mood, convincing most of your teammates to come out for an after-game drink just to keep the fun going for a little longer.
Not tonight.
Dave isn’t talking to anyone as he packs up his gear and prepares to go home. The energy coming from his is dark and deeply negative.
You know, without asking, that Dave is blaming himself for losing the game.
“C’mon Dave, let’s go to O’Malley’s and forget this game ever happened”, you say.
“Not tonight, I just want to go home”, Dave replies.
Knowing what’s bothering him, you attempt to make him feel better:
“Hey man, don’t worry about the game. This was one of the best teams in the league, we did a great job just hanging in there as long as we did. We’ll get them next time. Let’s not let this ruin our night.”
“You don’t understand. You’re not ‘competitive’ like I am”, says Dave.
“Sure I am, I like to win just as much as anyone else”, you reply.
“No, not like me. For me winning is important. It’s why I play the game. If we don’t win I wonder why we even play. What am I even doing out here?”
“Dave, this is an adult recreational league, we’re all here to have fun and burn off some stress from our normal routine, not to create more stress for ourselves”
“You don’t get it — you don’t care if you win or lose — it’s all just a game to you” Dave says as he gets in his truck and takes off.
Back at home, you think about Dave and what he said to you. You do like to win, who doesn’t? You just don’t think losing a game is such a big deal. It shouldn’t impact your emotional or mental state. No one’s getting paid to win. No one’s life is impacted by the outcome of an amateur game.
Except Dave, of course. You’ve seen this side of him before, mostly whenever he loses at something, anything really.
Dave is definitely going to have a bad night because of tonight’s loss.
It will impact his ability to have a good day at work tomorrow and will probably take most of the weekend before he gets back to his normal self.
“Oh well, nothing you can do tonight” you think as you resume your usual Thursday night routine and forget about the game.
The Week After
The following Monday, you bump into Dave at the coffee shop.
“Hey Dave, feeling better today?”
“Yeah, I guess”, he says. “I still feel like a loser for that mistake. I should have made that play!”.
“Why do you think that?” you ask sincerely.
“Huh? What do you mean ‘why?’? It was a BASIC play — there’s no excuse for missing something that simple.”
“I agree, it was a textbook play, Dave. What I meant was why do you think that you should have made that play in particular, even though it was basic? In other words, why do you have the expectation that you should make that play every single time?”
“Well, as I said, it was a basic play. I used to make those plays all the time back in high school. Coach used to make us practice that play for hours every night until we had it down — if we ever made a mistake like that in a game, he’d have our asses!”
“Dave,” you reply. “You’re almost 40. How long has it been since you’ve practiced like that?”
“Practice? You know I don’t have time to practice — I barely have time to make the games.”
Trying to help, you say “Look, I’ll tell you what — let’s start practicing again — maybe on the weekends when we both don’t work. That way, we can make sure we don’t miss basic plays anymore and we can get better as a team.”
Dave thinks about it for a minute, then shakes his head. “Can’t, I just don’t have time for anything like that.”
Resigned, you say, “Alright Dave, well if you find some extra time, give me a call. I’d be happy to come out and get some extra practice with you. Any time, okay?”.
As you say your farewells, Dave asks, “How about Season 2 of that new show on Netflix? It was so good, I binged watched the entire thing last weekend. You should check it out tonight or this weekend when you’re not working.”
“No, I haven’t seen it, I cancelled Netflix several years ago”.
“Why would you do something like that? There’s so many great shows on there, they’re SO addicting?!”
Not having the time to explain, you avoid answering, “Have a great week, Dave. I hope you can find some time to practice”.
What Happened?
This conversation with Dave is one that I’ve repeated with many friends and teammates over the years.
All the Daves in my life have described themselves as being ‘competitive’. It’s their justification for getting angry or upset when they lose.
Let’s look to the dictionary to see if they’re using that term right.
competitive: having or displaying a strong desire to be more successful than others.
How many people do you know have a strong desire to be more successful than others?
Success is one of those subjective things. For some, it means having more money or a better job. For others, like Dave, it’s about winning at organized team sports.
How you define success varies from person to person. However, ‘having or displaying a strong desire to be more successful than others’ in one’s own definition of success is a basic part of human nature.
Put another way, I’ve never met someone who didn’t have a strong desire to become better at the things they valued. Given the choice between being better at something or worse at something, most people would choose to be better.
By this definition, we’re all competitive.
We all want to get better.
Wanting Isn’t Enough
No one is entitled to be successful simply because they desire it.
It isn’t enough to simply want to improve and be successful.
You have to invest time and effort to obtain success.
Once you have obtained success, you must spend time and effort to maintain it.
This is really hard for most people to hear. It’s even more difficult to really understand.
The Daves in this world expect themselves to be successful right now simply because they want to be.
I know of no instance in which a person simply achieved success solely because they expected it.
Success comes from a long journey of continual improvement.
The only way one can improve is by making mistakes. If you don’t make mistakes you aren’t pushing yourself hard enough.
When you do make a mistake, you have at least two options:
- Be like Dave, let it bring you down, ruin your mood, and your weekend. No improvement here, but at least everyone can see how ‘competitive’ you are.
- Learn from that mistake. Figure out why you made it and how you can avoid it in the future. Don’t beat yourself up if you make it again for a different reason. Keep refining.
Which option would you take?
The Journey
I’ve had the privilege to meet many people who I consider to be successful.
The manner in which they have been successful varies widely: monetary, physical, mental, emotional, spiritual, and others.
Despite the various definitions of success, they all have several things in common:
They didn’t achieve success immediately or quickly.
I’ve never met an ‘overnight’ success and I’m beginning to think they’re only manifestations of the media.
Success takes times.
They don’t consider their journey to be complete.
While they all recognize that they have achieved certain things in their life, all of them will tell you that they have much further to go.
To see this the opposite way, take a look at people who are just coming out of school who are beginning to travel a similar path as you. How do you think they view you? Do they consider you to be a success?
Success is all relative. When you’re starting your journey it’s easy to think that those who are further down the path are ‘successful’. Once you get there, you realize how much more there is to travel.
Don’t Be Like Dave
There will always be people who are further down the path you’re traveling.
Recognize this and don’t let mistakes halt your progress on your path. Use mistakes to help you travel the path faster in the future.
Don’t be like Dave — he made a mistake, let it bring him down, and instead of working that next weekend to get better, he spent his time binge watching Netflix. At best, that caused him to pause on his path.
Combine being ‘competitive’ with a continual effort to improve and learn from your mistakes. You will achieve more than just the ‘desire to be more successful than others’ you will actually become a ‘success’ in however you define it.
Then you’ll realize how much further you have to go.
