When the Fire Burns Out

Chris Margrey
Nov 4 · 5 min read

An anecdote on one of the most prevalent issues plaguing medical professions.

Photo by David Monje on Unsplash

Mental health challenges are nothing new to the world of veterinary medicine. Even from the first days of my orientation to veterinary school, I have been all too familiar with the statistics that have long been an elephant in the room for medical professions. “Veterinarians are 2–3.5 times more likely to commit suicide than the national average” echoed through the classroom as we all sat in silence. “Get help if you need it.” “You’re not alone.” “You have to take care of yourself.” The emphasis was placed from the very first day that mental health was something that deserved our attention to detail, and not something to brush off as I inevitably did in an instant. After all, why would I ever get burnt out? I loved veterinary medicine, I was starting the path I had always dreamed of, and I had a track record of nothing but success throughout my academic career. “Burning out is for people who don’t have the mental strength to handle stress, but I’m not one of them”…or so I thought. In due time, I discovered that burnout has nothing to do with weakness, and that everyone, myself included, is vulnerable to it.

Setting the Stage

My first year in veterinary school was relatively uneventful; I went to class, I studied hard, I got good grades, and I had a solid group of friends to top it all off. While First Year was difficult for sure, it wasn’t anything I couldn’t handle, and even though I was exhausted quite often, I was able to keep pushing forward with my work. By the time that Summer break wrapped up and Second Year began, I had everything in place to succeed as I always had. I was well-rested, and I knew how to handle the coursework of vet school, so what could possibly go wrong? Turns out, having a plan only gets you so far in life.

Second Year ramped up the difficulty significantly, as it seemed like every moment of my life was dedicated to my coursework. It was a vicious cycle of attending lectures for 4–8 hours per day, Monday-Friday, heading home exhausted, and then studying all evening to avoid falling behind for the next day. While it would logically make sense that more time spent studying = knowing more stuff, the reality is that you can only retain so much information before nothing “sticks” anymore. Once studying becomes a struggle, the anxiety of future failure sets in, and then the cycle continues: Study, retain nothing, panic, panic-study, continue to retain nothing, etc. The time eventually passed and I completed the Fall semester in a fashion that I can only describe with the idiom “going to Hell in a handbasket;” I had made it to the end, but it certainly wasn’t with the confidence or satisfaction of having put my best foot forward.

Spring semester later began as every other semester did, with the added excitement/anxiousness that beginning surgeries carried with it. Coursework continued to push us to our limits, while surgeries predictably gave everyone a brief shot of anxiety, followed by the elation of having successfully completed the first of their careers. The Spring semester felt, for the first half, just like every other semester: brutally intense, but incredibly gratifying in the end. Unlike the previous years, though, the attitude of “just keep swimming” was only going to work for so long, and it was only a matter of time before I began to realize it too.

The Catalyst

I had been working my hardest for the past two years of school, and with clinical rotations looming on the Summer horizon, it felt that all of that learning would soon pay off; That optimism, sadly, would be short-lived. We were to become veterinarians in just a few short years, and that meant working around the clock for our patients, we were told. It was expected that we would work 8–5 every day…that’s nothing too exciting, right? Well, if you have patients to provide care for, you can expect to be at school until 7 PM to do so, with follow-up care again at 7 AM the next morning…oh, and don’t forget to study for your 8 AM rounds, and to finish writing up medical records after you get home at 7:30/8 PM, and keep an eye on your pager in the meantime in case you get called in. Also, remember to take care of yourself, eat right, exercise, pack a lunch, do laundry, stop stressing, get groceries, pay bills…

Enough.

It seemed like too much to me. What more can I possible give of my life to this career? Why does it have to be this way? I was at my wit’s end, and all I could think was that “if you give up, you’re weak. You have to be able to handle that stress to succeed in this field.” I could handle the crazy cases, the rude clients, or the declarations of my ineptitude after the smallest of mistakes; I later learned that what I couldn’t handle was the time commitment to something that no longer brought me happiness.

I felt that my life had suddenly been flipped on its head, but in reality, what I was experiencing was something called “burnout.” I was mentally exhausted, having worked to the point that what used to bring me happiness no longer did. I felt disconnected from my loved ones, I felt no sense of gratification in a field that no longer brought me satisfaction, and worst of all, I felt that nobody understood the situation that I was going through. To me, I believed that I had two options: drop out, or do something new; Thankfully, I made the right decision.

Conclusion

The time since this event has long-since passed, but now I can happily look back with a sense of clarity I didn’t have at the time. What I had been through during that chapter of my life was not a case of mental fragility, but rather the endpoint of being overwhelmed and dissatisfied with work that simply wasn’t rewarding to me. While my case of burnout led to me discovering what makes me happy in life, the reality is that burnout still remains to some degree in almost every student and practitioner in the various medical fields. Every individual has their own needs, desires, strengths, and limitations, and while one may thrive in a given environment, the fatigue experienced by another simply signifies a gap between personal costs and perceived benefits in that individual’s eyes.

In the end, no career is ever worth sacrificing your well-being for. It may be cliché, but it all truly comes down to doing what makes you happy, because life is far too brief to be wasted on meaningless pursuits.

Chris Margrey

Written by

Doctor of Veterinary Medicine Candidate, Class of 2021 (VMCVM) Certified Personal Trainer (ACE) Fitness Nutrition Specialist (ACE)

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