Governor Newsom plans to install Ministry of Plenty
Teams up with meal delivery services to provide boxed meals for all Californians.
“Boy does that smell delicious. It smells fantastic. It really does.”
Gavin Newsom savored the aroma of chicken and pasta as he discussed his latest effort in combating the current pandemic.
“Today I’m announcing a breakthrough program for California, known as the Ministry of Plenty. We plan to install it within the next few months… Californians will never go hungry again. This great nation state will soon provide their ‘daily bread.’”
Reporters learned about Newsom’s plan at his PlumpJack Winery, a modest 42-acre gem nestled in the lush, fertile Napa Valley. “We’re all in this together,” stated the governor enthusiastically as he poured a $600 bottle of merlot.
“People are suffering. My fellow Californians are suffering — and it really hurts to see all the pain they go through every day,” he said with a gleaming white smile.
As he finished eating the last spoonful of beluga caviar, he went on to explain why the Ministry of Plenty is so vital for California now and in the future.
“It’s important because Californians are losing their jobs, losing family, and some have even vacated the state — all because of a virus — the invisible enemy. And for the record, the economic crisis has absolutely nothing to do with the lockdowns that I ordered, which require residents to stay at home and cease daily activity. Instead, we must all point fingers at the invisible enemy.”
Newsom then refocused his attention on the caviar. “Mmm. I just love how the little eggs burst in your mouth at precisely the right moment. I’d love to include this type of food in the meal service, but it’s highly unlikely.” A sip of velvety wine followed his light chuckle.
The new prepared meal service will be called Community Harvest. It’s one of the many facets belonging to the Ministry of Plenty, which also includes programs for:
- Access to food and water
- The elimination of icky, germy paper currency and coins
- The push for universal electronic currency via mobile devices
- Access to everyday supplies, such as household goods and personal care
- Unlimited power to amend and enact any law necessary to ensure a healthy economy for ‘The People’*
Among the meal delivery services advising Newsom were Freshfully and Le Bleu Apron.
“I think it’s a great idea. Residents want solutions. They don’t want to think too hard about how the world really works, because that would mean having to practice self-responsibility… You see, this way we take care of them and everything is neatly in order as it should be. Community Harvest will be a box of blessings. All your meals delivered straight to your door. No need to leave the house ever again, hopefully.”
Nancy Pelosi was also in attendance to guide Newsom through the press conference, giving him confirmatory nods as he revealed the new plan. However, her visit was cut short so that she could make her deep tissue Swedish massage appointment in SF.
Upon hearing the news, reporters expressed concerns that the Ministry of Plenty seemed somewhat communistic. The governor was quick to ease their erroneous and moronic concerns. “Nope. No, no. That’s wrongthink. Don’t do that. You need to understand, it’s people like Karl Marx and Fidel Castro that give communism a bad name. What I’m doing is for the common good of ‘The People’* of California.”
When further pressed about concerns, he replied with “We’re following the science.” And when asked about who would foot the bill, he again gave an extended dazzling smile, looking directly at the crowd.
Dr. Fauci then paid a surprise visit, popping out of a 5-foot high cake. Fauci happily provided journalists with small box samples of Community Harvest and hand sanitizer. “Everyone gets a sample!” he shouted.
Community Harvest is scheduled to begin in the fall of 2021, starting with pilot programs in smaller communities.
*’The People’ are a small group comprised of elite, wealthy individuals consisting of no more than 1% of the population of California. If you’re reading this, the chances of you being ‘The People’ are very very slim.
