Why we’re so afraid of suffering

My current cross has revealed something to me about suffering that I never thought about before, even though it seems obvious when it’s stated directly. To elucidate this point, I think the following questions are important to reflect on: What’s the root of our suffering? What causes us to suffer the most? Is it physical pain? Mental pain? Lack of love and affirmation? Lack of virtue? I would say the first two are the effects of the cause. The latter two are causes of suffering, but not the primary cause, in my opinion.

I believe the root cause of suffering is the fact that it’s coming from a situation, person, or object we can’t control and/or that’s unknown to us. That inability to control and/or know about something that’s causing us pain, stress, sorrow, and anger makes us feel scared and helpless, and then we think about those negative feelings and emotions, which amplifies and heightens them.

Try this thought experiment: What would cause you more suffering out of the following two scenarios? 1) Being woken up at least once a night in the middle of your sleep by a really loud and annoying noise that’s coming from your neighbor below you, which you have no control over and can do nothing about. You don’t know why it started and have no idea when it’s going to end, but it’s causing you sleep deprivation and stressing you out to an extreme degree 2)Signing up for a scientific experiment where you’re paid $1000 to be woken up by that same noise every night for a week, and you’re being monitored to help the researchers understand the effect of the noise on your brain waves, stress levels, and quality of sleep.

I think every sane person would choose the second scenario. Why? I can think of at least three reasons: 1)When we know a painful situation is coming to an end at a certain time, it makes it much easier to bear because we assume we can bear the suffering for that period of time. But if the situation has no end in sight, that makes it much harder to bear because we don’t think we can bear that pain for a long period of time, and we’re afraid that it’ll push us past our breaking point after a certain amount of time. 2)In scenario 2, we know the cause of the suffering, and so we can mentally prepare ourselves for its effects, and not be taken by surprise every time it hurts us. 3)In scenario 2, we’re in control of the situation. We chose to take part in the experiment, even though we knew it would cause us to suffer because we were willing to suffer that much for that level of reward. When we choose the suffering and know the cause of it, and that it has a definite end point, it causes us much less fear, and since we’re not constantly afraid, we’re less stressed. When we’re less stressed, we don’t have as many negative thoughts and feelings, and thus it’s much easier to remain in a positive state of mind and have a good attitude for the duration of the suffering, and even use it to benefit us.

This thought experiment shows that when it comes to suffering, how it affects us is all about the attitude we have before it even starts. My goal as someone who wants to take up my cross and follow Jesus is to have a positive attitude about suffering even when I’m in scenario 1, because that’s the scenario most of us find ourselves in most often in life. If we view any suffering that comes our way as something that’s permitted by God in order to purify us and bring us closer to Him, and that we have to bear patiently and with love, then it’s much more bearable than if we’re trying to avoid it and wish we never had to experience it. If it’s something we’re expecting because we know that Jesus suffered greatly and therefore we must as well, we can be waiting for it with open arms when it comes to us and receive it as a gift from God, because it is. If we’re mentally prepared for it and have already been asking God in our daily prayers to give us the graces necessary to help us carry any cross He sends to us, then we won’t be surprised when we start suffering from a situation that’s completely out of our control. It’s the element of surprise that causes us to become stressed and realize things aren’t in our control.

If we have an eternal perspective and see all suffering as part of God’s perfect plan for us, then we won’t be surprised nearly as much as someone who doesn’t have that perspective. If we’ve already given control of our lives over to God and are willing to make any sacrifice for Him out of love for Him, then nothing can disturb our inner peace because we’ve already fought the hardest fight, which is the fight between our intellect and our prideful self. My intellect and conscience tell me that in order to have peace in this life and become close to God, I must die to self, but my ego rebels against that and tells me that’s painful, and I won’t be happy unless I give into my selfish and sinful desires. If I conquer my own sinful will and win that internal battle, it’ll be easier to conquer external threats to my peace and sanity because they’re more visible and less deep seated.

Why does not being able to control things cause us to be so uncomfortable, upset, and afraid? Ultimately, it’s because of Original Sin, which means we lack sufficient grace to overcome evil on our own. That first sin separated us from God, who is the source of that grace, and so we’re defective and must turn to Him every time we face stressful and painful situations. I think the lack of grace in our souls causes three primary defects in us: Pride, lack of love, and lack of trust in God. These defects prevent us from always turning to God in prayer when we’re faced with suffering, and thus we cut ourselves off from the only source of grace and means by which we can overcome temptation and suffering. It’s only because we’re not willing to humble ourselves before God, let go of our desires, plans, and attachments, and let God take control of our lives that we have such a hard time dealing with situations that force us to do exactly those things. When we have pride, we feel like we don’t deserve to suffer this much, and therefore the worse the suffering is and the longer it goes on, the more we rebel against it and think it’s an unnecessary burden that’s getting in the way of our plans and ambitions. Our pride and sense of entitlement eats away at our souls and rots them like a toxin. This causes us to become angry because suffering makes us realize that we’re not as special as we think we are, and in fact share the same lot as even the poorest of the poor, which is to suffer, albeit to varying degrees. If we’re humble, we recognize that we deserve nothing because we are nothing without God, and therefore we shouldn’t expect easy lives, especially since God Himself went through the worse suffering imaginable. Not only that, but what have we done to make up for all of our offenses against God? For many people, not much, or even nothing. How arrogant does one have to be to think he doesn’t deserve to suffer when God suffered for him? That’s a way of saying you’re less worthy of suffering than God, which is the height of pride, most prominently displayed by Satan’s refusal to serve God.

Likewise, when we don’t trust God, then any situation that has an unknown cause or endpoint and is beyond our control feels overwhelming, because we wrongly think that we have to face it on our own and come up with our own solutions. We either don’t trust that God can help us, or believe that He doesn’t love us enough to have our best interests at heart and bring the best out of any bad situation. In John’s Gospel we’re told “There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love”. If we love God with all of our heart, mind, and soul, we’re not afraid of any situation, no matter how much suffering it’s causing us because we’re not thinking about ourselves anymore, we’re only thinking about doing the will of the one we love- God. Fear is based on a desire to preserve yourself, which means you still love yourself more than you love God. As the saints and martyrs demonstrated, when you love God to an extreme degree, you no longer have a desire to preserve your body and mind in this life because your will is so perfectly united with His that you only want what He wants, even if it comes at the cost of your life. You also know and trust that He’ll reward you for your love and faithfulness in the next life, and that this life’s current pains and struggles are nothing compared to the joys awaiting us in Heaven.

So when we’re faced with suffering and scary situations, we have to always remember that our goal shouldn’t be to avoid the suffering. Rather, it must be to die to ourselves and replace our love of self and the world with our love of God, until nothing is left in us but that love. Then God can make His home in our hearts and fill us with the love and peace that surpasses all understanding and drives out fear, worry, and negativity. Then He’ll give us the strength we need to carry our crosses and persevere until we reach the finish line of this life.