That time everyone online was wrong but hmmmm guess who was actually right
(Update: It seems many people deleted their tweets….tragic…)
As many of you may know, I have a certain…predilection for using social media to reach out to President-Elect Donald Trump, mainly so that I — his humble, devoted, and strangely horny servant — can convey my heartfelt adoration for his mashed potato skin and phallically low-hanging ties:
Of course, I am hardly a pioneer in enterprising this approach to trolling high-profile dipshits online, though I must admit it is …[flickers tongue like Hannibal Lecter] a personal favorite. In fact, this method is particularly effective against Trump’s account, as his followers are often:
- aghast at the overtly sexual/homosexual element,
- incensed I am speaking to ~their president~ in such an indecent manner, and
- INTENSELY CREDULOUS AND DUMB, and crucially, so much so that they often lack the basic cultural literacy to even comprehend such an ironic display (especially at the high level of performance my uncommon talents and vision permit). This last point will become important later.
OK. All of this is to say: it was just a normal Saturday night for your boy, me, Chris Caesar, on Saturday, Dec. 3 —specifically: staying up at all hours of the night and compensating for my lack of real life accomplishments or meaningful interpersonal connections by wailing on strangers online — when something very fun, very fun indeed, happened:
You have to respond within seconds if you want to land anywhere near the top of the replies, so I went with my instincts…
…only to quickly break character and leave a smug, liberal remark (couldn’t help it fam, sorry):
For some reason — perhaps the days are starting to blend together during unemployment? — I completely forgot it was Saturday night, and assumed Trump was tweeting about an earlier episode in which Alec Baldwin devastatingly owned his diaper-baby ass. It was, of course, a new episode, with Emma Stone as host.
This was MY BAD, and as you can imagine, Trump supporters were eager to correct me.
Unwilling to be owned quietly into that good night, I closed my eyes to briefly consider the appropriate countermeasure to the growing flood of obnoxious responses. I soon recalled this extremely insightful @adultblackmale thread from the day before:
Now, I knew I was setting myself up for a tough sell here: obviously, the episode was new, and there would be swaths of readily available evidence demonstrating this immutable fact all over the internet. On the other hand, it was near certain that anyone crazy enough to get that worked up about this was likely dumb as all hell, soooo…I decided to take my chances.
After a few rounds of this, a very helpful stranger found his way into the discussion, and offered a brilliant contribution that allowed the trolling to continue for much longer than I ever thought possible:
This well-placed lie quickly became a centerpiece of the trolling narrative.
It was also helpful to — not unlike some Trump supporters I may know, ahem— cavalierly dismiss mainstream publications completely out of hand, for no good reason at all.
Some detractors— quite sharply! — pointed to timely elements of the night’s episode that very clearly prove it was #NotARerun. But by now, hours into the experiment, I was way too drunk with nerd power for some feeble bullshit like that to stop me. Hell, I plowed through these fact-based objections like any other non-sexual substance through which one might ruthlessly and effectively plow.
The fact that the 90-minute show airs at 11:30 p.m. also came in handy.
Finally: apologies to the well-meaning folks who were caught up in the enormity of the lie’s execution, especially at the height of my manic power. However, I was compelled to act by forces much greater than any of us alone, and I stand by my every decision I made in the field.
All told, this is maybe…3 percent of the interactions related to this post, which had morons popping into my mentions for well over 24 hours. I received 2 million impressions on my Twitter account and received about 150 new followers (though I do wonder how many of them are actually chill).
Thank you, Daddy. :)