why is the angry country man yelling at me, i am a nice boy

Chris Caesar
Dec 9, 2016 · 8 min read

Before you continue reading, please take a moment to review the below viral content from March 2016 for some important context. An article I discovered later — 10 Reasons Republican Convention Performer Beau Davidson is the Worst — also provides some fun insights into the mind of the man I’ve come to know as “Beau”:

UPDATE: Beau did a very silly thing and deleted all of his relevant tweets. Don’t worry, buddy — I saved all the screenshots, which now take the place of the original embedded tweets below.

UPDATE #2: Beau has since deleted his entire original Twitter account, moving to @TheBeauDavidson instead. I can’t imagine why; perhaps something to do with his new daytime talk show gig, which seems to be going well. (UPDATE: he’s off the show lol)

IN THE INTEREST OF FAIRNESS, I’ll readily admit there’s a lot that’s impressive about Beau Davidson’s bio, including a performance at the 2012 RNC, a stint appearing on a soap opera as “himself,” and acting as an ambassador for Mitt Romney’s presidential campaign. I’m not even being sarcastic; if that’s your thing, cool, whatever. Fine. Way to be.

All that being said, I already found at least one more example of the artist’s tendency to self-aggrandize beyond what’s laid out in the above segment: Beau’s website claims he “guest starred” on a 2004 episode of Gilmore Girls. Indeed, when you Google “Beau Davidson Gilmore Girls,” the first return is a YouTube video — helpfully uploaded by Beau Davidson! — with the title “Beau Davidson Guest-stars on Gilmore Girls.” Pretty cool.

However, as you can see below, his character performs a grand total of two lines — more of a “featured extra” or “day player,” if even that. His IMDb page lists the role as “Volleyball Guy,” which may be a more accurate description of his contributions to the beloved TV show. You decide:

(note that in this scene, Beau’s character gets owned by the one of the show’s actual stars; I am sure this is just a coincidence and not him being typecast somehow)

I mention all this not to wail on the poor guy relentlessly— stay tuned for that!— but to demonstrate Beau may have a tendency for grandiosity that is…unbecoming in an online environment. This personality deficiency pairs quite poorly with his almost-too-thin-to-believe skin, and, well, it’s just not a good look, fam.

AND THAT, MY DUDES, brings us to this week’s incident, starting with a tweet from the Beau man himself. It features a new track he recorded to commemorate Pearl Harbor Day, but there’s no need to listen to it here:

One of the writers addressed in that tweet is my Good Friend Online Stefan Sirucek, who writes for Death & Taxes. He wrote a snarky (but hardly out-of-bounds) post about Davidson’s ill-fated performance last March.

Stefan offered a polite response — “who could forget?” — with a link to his original story. The exchange could have ended there. Instead, it is then that our dear friend Beau made the dangerous, yet all-too-familiar mistake of getting mad online:

It is important to emphasize that I had never even heard of Beau, let alone his music, let alone this particular performance with Trump. He was, in every sense, a perfect stranger. Maybe in a different universe, we could have been friends.

Instead, he was being so ridiculous to Stefan I just couldn’t help myself:

NOT THINKING MUCH, IF ANYTHING would come from that tweet, I had a couple of beers and went to bed unusually early that Thursday night.

Friday, I woke up to this:

By the way, it took me a minute to figure out what he was referring to with the “coded sexism” tweet — eventually, I googled the phrase with my own name and found I used it in a story that’s well over a year old, which is not even remotely creepy, my dude, you must not be mad AT ALL.

Anyway, I sat at my desk, poured myself a coffee and sipped it with the assured and glowing confidence of a man who knew that, whatever was about to happen, it was going to fucking own:

To be clear, this is of course a bullshit thing to say — who cares about my blue checkmark or my modest-at-best Twitter following ?— but it drives people like this absolutely batshit, so it’s not bad to have in one’s arsenal.

Our exchange lasts for an embarrassingly long time Friday morning, replete with racist tweets from Beau, repeated claims that I am a “beta male” (how did he know!!!!!!! fuck!!!) and an unwavering insistence that he is a deeply talented and misunderstood artist.

I won’t bore you with the tedium of our exchange (you can check my Twitter if you really want, but don’t) and will instead hop ahead to the next level of escalation:

Students of internet sociology will know that this is the best thing that can ever, ever happen online: not only a threat of violence, but a threat of violence in broken English. It is here that my interest in Beau crosses the line from detached amusement to genuine fascination.

It continues:

In the interest of not too readily exposing myself to any psychos out there, I have since deleted my subsequent tweet, which included my personal cell phone number and a request that Beau “call me, big boy.”

He then retweeted my phone number, but didn’t call it himself. Tsk, tsk, tsk:

Eventually, I shared the details of his cowardly retreat with my own followers:

OFFERING TROLLS MY PHONE NUMBER is one approach I’ve taken to shut them up in the past; in fact, I used to boast a 100% efficacy rate with this method. I am happy to report, however, that Beau was the first guy actually crazy enough to fucking call me.

Here is that call, which, despite Beau’s protests, I absolutely have every legal right to publish — he not only knew I was a reporter, but that I was recording the message and would “share it with Twitter,” and he never hung up. He also tells me around 2:15 that he thinks posting it will be “good,” “awesome,” and “fantastic,” adding that he “can’t wait” for me to do so. Sorry buddy. :(

My bad for the shitty recording also, I tried my best to clean it up. There’s also some clarifying notes below that explain some problems in the audio (including the sex noises):

UPDATE: Someone — I assume Beau? — told SoundCloud the recording violated their terms of service, and they took it off their website under accordance with Germany privacy laws (they’re based there).

UPDATE 2: Someone — I assume Beau? — convinced Medium that linking to the recording violated their terms of service. The clip is still online, as Medium is so far the only American company who seems to think I’ve done anything wrong by posting this:

Though Beau is quite desperate to remove this recording from the Internet, please feel free to reach out to me on Twitter @ChrisCaesar and I will happily provide you a streaming link [Update: actually, he’s a public figure now — fuck it! Here’s an ep of my (very funny btw!!!) podcast that features the phone call, as well as the raw audio of just the phone call itself]. It is, without hesitation, one of the most insane things that has ever happened to me online.

Some notes about the recording:

  1. I am sorry I cackled like Ricky Gervais the whole time.
  2. The bracelet references: I made a few cheap cracks about these beaded bracelets he wears in his photos because they seemed to conflict with his projection of an “alpha” male status. Please do not interpret this as an endorsement of gender roles, which as a radical feminist I reject.
  3. Around 8:00 I loaded a porn movie in the background in order to needle a reaction from him (i.e. so I could tell him his Mom was visiting). I don’t think he heard it over his own yelling, sadly.
  4. Around 10:00 he absolutely flips out about the bracelets and I laugh too loud; apologies.
  5. At 13:15 he literally says “I actually find that funny” and I scream laughing. He then proceeds to say I got him a lot of followers today; not true.
  6. I knew the George Strait song.
  7. He called back twice, but I didn’t answer.

Did I mention Beau really, REALLY didn’t want me to publish this, by the way.

Despite our differences, I wouldn’t worry about Beau. He seems…fine.

Beau……………………………………..….thankjs. This one’s for you: