NEO NED — FRIED REVIEW
Intro
I’M BACK, BABY. I’VE BEEN TRYING TO REVIEW THIS MOVIE FOR WEEKS EVER SINCE I’VE HEARD OF IT BUT LIFE JUST KEPT GETTING IN THE WAY AND NOW THE TIME HAS COME FOR ME TO REVIEW A HIGHLY CONTROVERSIAL MOVIE, “NEO NED”.
FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO DON’T KNOW THIS IS THE BASIC PLOT OF NEO NED RIPPED STRAIGHT FROM THE GOOGLE. IT’S WILD.
AND YES, IT HAS AN 80 PERCENT RATING ON ROTTEN TOMATOES I CAN CONFIRM THIS.
“N*gger Hitler” (08:29)
30 MINUTES IN. I STILL CAN’T BELIEVE JEREMY RENNER AND GABRIELLE UNION EVEN AGREED TO THIS. AND IT’S CRAZY CAUSE I READ THE SYPNOSIS (FIX) AND I STILL DON’T KNOW WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON. THERE’S SO MUCH RACIST SHIT I CAN QUOTE.
JEREMY RENNER HAS BEEN WILDIN NONSTOP SINCE THE BEGINNING, HE’S BEING TACKLED CAUSE HE CAN’T STOP GROWLING AND SCREAMING THEN HE STARTS CALLING GABRIELLE UNION HITLER LIKE, MAN. AND IT’S NOT EVEN THE FACT HE’S CALLING HER HITLER IT’S THE FACT THAT HE’S FUCKING FLIRTING WITH HITLER.
OH FUCK GABRIELLE UNION ALSO THINKS THAT SHE’S HITLER OKAY AIGHT WORD THIS IS NORMAL. NO, THEN YOU FIND OUT GABRIELLE UNION WAS MOLESTED AS A CHILD. AND JEREMY RENNER’S FAMILY BASICALLY KILLED THEMSELVES AND TRIED TO KILL JEREMY IN THE PROCESS THIS IS INTENSE FOR NO REASON.
“Good job, Adolf” (41:39)
ONE HOUR IN. THIS IS A LOVE STORY?? THEY’RE ACTUALLY TRYING TO MAKE THIS A LOVE STORY. ALSO, FOR 2005 THIS MOVIE LOOKS FUCKING GARBAGE. JEREMY RENNER IS STILL ACTING LIKE A PSYCHO SO I GUESS HE’S DOING A GOOD JOB. JEREMY RENNER HAS ALSO BEEN RELEASED FROM THE INSTITUTION AND MAGICALLY MET UP WITH GABRIELLE UNION AT THE ZOO AND NOW THE MAN WEARING THE NAZI SYMBOL ON HIS SHIRT AND THE WOMAN WITH MENTAL DISORDERS ARE GONNA “MAKE IT WORK”.
NOW I’M WATCHING GABRIELLE UNION AND JEREMY RENNER DO SOFTCORE PORN. I CAN’T DO THIS ANYMORE. NOW THEY’RE GETTING MARRIED AND JEREMY RENNER’S MOM IS THROWING THEIR WEDDING PARTY. NOTHING DRAMATIC IS EVEN HAPPENING TO THEM THEIR LIVES THEY’RE JUST GOING AT IT DAY BY DAY AND YET THEY’RE STILL FUCKING WEIRDOS. AND WHILE ALL THIS SHIT IS HAPPENING, MY MAN IS STILL WEARING THIS NAZI SHIRT.
I’M FUCKING CONVINCED THEY DIDN’T EVEN GIVE JEREMY RENNER MORE THAN ONE OF THOSE SHIRTS THAT THING GOTTA SMELL LIKE MUST AND DESPERATION.
I couldn’t find anything worth quoting
ALMOST DONE. THIS MOVIE MAN. THIS MOVIE IS FUCKING RIDICULOUS. SO NEAR THE END OF THE MOVIE JEREMY RENNER AND GABRIELLE UNION GET THEIR CAR JACKED AND FOR SOME REASON I’M SUPPOSED TO FEEL BAD FOR THEM??? AND THEN, THANKS TO A TERRIBLE FLASHBACK, WE FIND OUT THAT JEREMY RENNER GOT ARRESTED FOR A CRIME THAT HE NEVER COMMITTED AND I STILL DON’T FEEL BAD FOR HIM.
SO THIS MOVIE ENDS WITH JEREMY RENNER AND GABRIELLE UNION SPLITTING BECAUSE JEREMY RENNER IS TOO MUCH OF A CHILD (WHO WOULD’VE THOUGHT?”) FOR GABRIELLE UNION. THEN THEY GOT BACK TOGETHER IN THE SAME MINUTE AND DECIDED TO DRIVE TO SEE GABRIELLE UNION’S FAMILY AND ON THE WAY GABRIELLE UNION KILLS THE GUY THAT MOLESTED HER AFTER JEREMY RENNER BEATS THE DOG SHIT OUT OF HIM. THIS CAUSES JEREMY RENNER TO GO TO JAIL AND NOT GABRIELLE UNION FOR SOME REASON AND HE’S HAPPY TO BE THERE??? AND THEN IT ENDS??
THIS MOVIE WAS FUCKING TERRIBLE. THE CHARACTERS NEVER HAD ACTUAL GOALS TO REACH OR ANY OBSTACLES TO OVERCOME THEY WERE JUST MAKING ONE DUMB DECISION AFTER ANOTHER BECAUSE THE PLOT NEEDED THEM TO AND THERE’S NEVER ANY PAYOFF. GARGABE. I DON’T KNOW WHAT I EXPECTED BUT I WILL BE WATCHING AVENGERS ENDGAME WITH A LITTLE MORE HATE FOR JEREMY RENNER.
0/5
Sober Summary
Neo Ned sits at the bottom of a musty, wet, and tasteless barrel of indie movies. It’s insulting to so many audiences just by existing, and as you waste approximately 90 minutes of your life watching this, you’ll find that it’s even more insulting as a viewer when you watch it all the way through. Everything about this film is so poorly done; the characters, the plot, the structure, the fact it looks like it was filmed with a toaster, everything. The plot feels spoon-fed to you because it’s so ridiculous that it was the only way to try to normalize everything happening, but the consequence with this is that there’s never any stakes or anything for our characters to lose and just become static and unlikeable.
It’s worth noting that Jeremy Renner and Gabrielle Union give believable performances, but the little room they have to flesh out these terrible characters cannot save this movie. But overall, if you want to disconnect from logic and common sense for 90 minutes then I highly recommend this film, just be ready to deal with the consequences.
0/5
