When I told people I was going to be a comedian. They all laughed.. You cunt.. Do that they said. You CUNT.


Maybe but anyway – Brexit is black comedy, a tragic comedy personified. The country has gone utterly potty speared by ignorant lunatics talking jibberish.

My name is Jon and I’m originally from the UK. Soon to be the Royal Borough of ‘Not Important but Once Was'. Where keeping the royal family is a sick twist in our desire to ‘take back our nation’ but still keep the unelected head. Bloody Brexit.

I grew up in Portsmouth. My dad was in the navy, my mum a secretary and as an only child was sent to boarding school at 7 to spend my formative years.

When I was 8 I brought my best friend home from school. Bala from Nigeria was ‘all right’. My Dad was definitely ‘all right’. I’d never seen someone drive home so quickly to tell us to bath and get scrubbed clean. It was a tight fit.

Bala was Muslim and I used to chase him with a bag of Frazzles. It’s only bacon flavour I said – he felt terrorised.

I have tried to be religious. I did an online test – what religion are you? The results were…

Beyond belief.

I didn’t even get ‘spiritualist’. I tried a different survey and I got: ‘You’re fucked’.

So I’m Catholic then cos that’s what Brother Cecil said.

Which really is a true story….unlike the biggest lie to man – organised brainwashing and propaganda and the control of millions of people by the saint, himself – Satan Farage.

Yes I am a remoaner which makes me slightly more self aware than 51% of the country.

I was telling Nishthal that living in South Africa is a wonderful place and so different to what people say… Then someone grabbed my phone through the car window so Nishthal if you can hear me – scratch that – these people are all scum, rapist, child killing murderers.

Because – You know only in Africa. It’s not like the good old days.

Where a neighbouring dictator wearing a small square moustache killed 6 million less Jews than that by Austrian white middle aged man, savage mass murderer just 80 years ago. And now Europe has finally grown up and found democracy, sharing of common interests, open boarders, and the ability to live and work on the continent. Europe should never repeat the terrible senseless killings of the past including more recently The Bosnian War. And as a child of the 70s in which I never cared or worried for my safety, the world wars fading from family history – it is our European membership that has fostered our security at every level. Human rights, worker rights, EU investment in our inner cities, art projects, farming laws and so much more. Prosperity and understanding. Grown up Europe.

When I told my father that we are actually living in more healthier, more safe, happier tines with more money in our pockets than any time in history – he said bollocks. I presented my evidence. Bollocks. Okay DMD – where’s your evidence DAILY MAIL DAD?

DMD says everyone agrees with him down the pub – other middle aged bald white blokes .. Pub talk “Maastricht, unelected, immigration, laws, sovereignty, fish, crime, gp appointments, bananas. Climate change -all lies! No to recycling! Better after Brexit – self governance, democracy!”

Me – What laws are you going to take back?

DMD – Well all of them!

Me- Name one.

DMD – Immigration.

Me – So you can’t?

DMD – democracy!

Me- What like the House of Lords? Democratic? Royal family? Democratic?

DMD – Fish!

And here we are going to leave and yet he’s still moaning. What a cunt

Tree will the UK look like in four years time?

And so it goes on. 11% of the country is built upon. No housing strategy – houses all sold off by Thatcher to line the pockets of DMDs across the land. All utility companies sold off – shareholder DMD benfitted. Public transport, post office, telecoms privatised – shareholder DMD benfitted. Three pensions. Four houses. New car. Good health. Never had it so bad.

But ‘What about my rights as an ‘indigenous’ white person?’ DMD would say pulling the victim card. We’re going to be swamped. Overrun. Congestion. Housing. NHS screwed. Crime. Shariah law. Romanians – thieves. Polish – created the zero contract hours and low wage endemic. Nothing to do with the financial crash run by white, middle aged male maniacs then?

Yeah but no but. Bananas. Brexit. Bloody Brexit!

It’s a comedy, a farce that’s created division, a green light to publicly flaunt racist, white supremist views and on both sides of the Atlantic. It’s okay you don’t need to say anymore “I’m not ‘a racialist’ BUT” and “well they’re as much ‘racialist’ in their own ‘tribe’.. Now they can freely admit to being a kind of modern rebranded racist – racism with a small ‘r’. For now and then if this disease goes untreated, misogyny, xenophobia, homophobia, Islamaphobia will grow. But – hold on DMD – how about your treatment from your Brazilian doctor, your Ethiopian GP, the Filipino nurse, romainaian waiter, Spanish barman, etc etc. Fancy telling them during your time of need or want your views?

We’re going to be a much poorer country. We’re going to fold into ourselves but I think within 20 years we’ll rejoin the EU or whatever shape and form it’ll take.

In the meantime this long term break will kick sense into people or they’ll just die of anger. In the short term it looks as if we’ll be a poorer nation both economically and culturally, even democratically. DMDs will seek new targets to bemoan – see above – and then after some serious FOMO we’ll be begging to be taken back.

And DMD? Oh he’ll be fine – probably mute well hopefully. He will watch on, anger sketched into his forehead and grey darting eyes that follow the hand that feeds him, that wipes him and pushes him around – the wonderful dark dirty black hands of Nonku - singing her lungs out in native Zulu.

And the world will be a much better place.