Locker Room Talk: A One-Act Play Featuring Donald Trump’s Access Hollywood Transcript

Three men, BOB, JIM and DONALD, have just finished playing a few games of 21 at the local health club. After showering up and changing back into their work clothes, the three are hanging out in the locker room.

Jim
Man, did you see what that trainer was wearing?

Bob
(Laughs)
Holy shit. Her body is insane.

Jim
I know, it’s like, what are you even doing here? How are you not a fitness model or something?

Bob
Yeah, or waiting in my bedroom, am I right?

(The guys laugh)

Jim
For real, give me five minutes with that.

Bob
Five? I’ll take three! I want to go over to her and just be like “Look, how much money will it take? Just name your price.”

Jim
Worth every penny.

Donald 
I’ve got to use some Tic Tacs, just in case I start kissing her.

Bob
(Laughs)
Yeah, I know, right? If I even tried to say something, I’d probably just be like “Dat ass!” or something.

Donald
You know I’m automatically attracted to beautiful — I just start kissing them.

Jim
Wait, what?

Bob
Wait, that kissing thing was a legit concern of yours?

Jim
Yeah, you mean, like, strangers?

Bob
Yeah, are you talking about just walking up and kissing strangers?

Donald 
It’s like a magnet. Just kiss. I don’t even wait.

Jim 
Look, I don’t want to put words in your mouth here — when you say “I don’t even wait,” you mean you don’t wait, for like, you know, consent?

Donald
And when you’re a star, they let you do it.

Jim
Jesus Christ, what is happening right now? What do you mean, they let you do it? What kind of metric is that for the things you decide to do in your life? As long as she doesn’t call the police, it’s cool? I’m not okay with any of this, man, I have a daughter.

Bob
Okay, well I don’t have a daughter, but I’m still super grossed out, and honestly, you shouldn’t need a daughter or a wife or whatever to be bothered by it. Like, I’m not Black, but if I found out Donald was tweeting out racist (and fake) statistics to his followers, I shouldn’t be cool with that even if I’m not Black. Or if he insisted on constantly taking shots at Rosie O’Donnell for no legitimate reason, I’d have to question his, or anyone’s, emotional stability even though I’m not Rosie O’Donnell. Look, I know both of those examples are super obvious to everybody in the world, but I’m really not that great at making up relevant analogies. I’m sorry.

Jim
Huh. Anyway, seriously Donald, stop. Please stop. Stop everything. Please stop talking, definitely please stop kissing strangers -

Bob
Yeah and dude, aren’t you married?

Jim
Oh God you’re married?

Donald
You can do anything.

Jim 
Oh awesome he’s still going.

Donald
Grab them by the pussy, you can do anything.

Jim starts vomiting. Bob sees Jim vomiting and he starts vomiting too. Both guys just vomit for a really long time. Donald struts out and learns absolutely nothing from the conversation.