Nobody Wants to See your Dick — A Guide to Handling your Newfound Wealth and Influence

If you’re reading this, congratulations! Your hard work and dedication have paid off, and you’ve finally made it to the top of your respective field. You set a goal, you put your mind to it, and here you are, ready to take on anything that comes your way. Here’s to many years of continued success.

With that in mind, a quick reminder before we continue:

Nobody wants to see your dick.

Seriously. Nobody.

Is this a sweeping generalization? Sure. In fact, there’s probably somebody out there in this crazy world who would enjoy access to your penis (albeit as more of a means to an end than actually sitting back and admiring it like a Renoir or something) from time to time. However, in this particular context, with regard to the position of power that you now occupy, it’s in your best interest (as well as that of literally everyone who works with you) to go ahead and operate under the assumption that nobody in the whole wide world wants to see your stupid dick.

You may not have noticed during your climb to the top, but your dynamic with others in your field has undergone a significant change (you may feel like the Zack Morris of your industry, but you’re actually Mr. Belding — keep that in mind at all times). Whether you’re an accountant, television host or stand-up comedian, you’re now in a tremendous position of power, and to paraphrase the immortal saying, with great power comes great responsibility not to pull your G.D. dick out whenever you freaking feel like it.

Just keep that simple advice in mind and you’ll be well on your way. Before we go, a brief Q & A to recap what we’ve just discussed:

Q: I’d like to have sex with my co-worker, but she’s not showing me the same level of interest. Should I pull out my dick, sweeten the deal a bit?

A: No, you should definitely not do that. Pulling out one’s penis without any sort of encouragement is not only a deal-breaker, but it has also literally never been a deal-maker. Nobody has ever been glad they saw someone’s penis in hindsight. “I had no interest in him whatsoever, but when he got me alone, locked the door and pulled his penis out, I was like ‘Wow, that looks great — let’s do this’” is a statement that has never been uttered in the history of humanity. Yours will not be the penis that ends that streak.

Q: I just told a joke referencing a noteworthy television character from the 90s. An intern laughed and said that I was hilarious. Time to pull my dick out?

A: First of all, congrats on the joke. Second, no, it is not time to pull your dick out. Laughing at a joke you told, in and of itself, is not a sign that someone you work with wants to see your penis. Do not assume that it is.

Q: My new position comes with my very own personal assistant. When do I show her my dick, immediately?

A: How about never? Maybe just, you know, never show her your dick? Yeah, let’s go with never.

Q: What if I don’t want her to touch it, just sit there and watch me touch it?
A: Well, that’s different. Just kidding, it’s actually not different at all. The answer is still never, because nobody wants to see your dick.