“no one’s gonna hold yer hand at 3am”
yeah, i fuckin’ dick around, making shitty jokes, etc. (the “hey, look’it me’s” i call it), but that’s usually when the sun is up, or at least before midnight, when the rest of the world is there to (hopefully) bite, c’epting fer the vampires.
for me, the die is cast at times like this, when the minutes are hovering around the 3:00am mark, the silence broken only by the occasional cabbie tearing through the neighborhood, the mid-season chill finally contemplating its departure with the April sunrise.
i’m the only option for companionship that i have for the moment. the perpetual ringing in my ears, for once being put to good use, serving as an odd and comforting proof that my neurological system is still functioning and firing, that i am indeed not a ghost, the last one in on the news of my demise.
i’m not brave during the day; quite the opposite, actually. that’s when i need you (yeah, you) the most, however, ironically, its also when i push you away the hardest. “sensitive”, you may say, prefaced by “overly”. well, ok, i can accept that. people cut from that cloth have to accept and wear the tag at some juncture.
so. my point? ok. it’s times like this when my pair of pills become those of brass. while endeavoring to fight off the Morpheus grip, i realize that i don’t need you, but rather, i want you. that’s a tough thing for me to admit, cuz it just wasn’t how i was raised. a real big deal. no joke. even to an empty room.
that’s not a bad place to be, is it? nah. not in the least. its a gift to receive a parole from the rattle of the “day-in, day-out scramble” and to be able to just sit with my thoughts in the dark. its how i came to the realization of my “want” and the nerve to express it.
the key for me, i think though, is this: i may want you, but i gotta remember that i already have you. you’ve been there all along and i can’t continue to squander that. but, most important of all? YOU don’t NEED me, which i’m painfully aware of, but if you WANT me, have at it. I’m up for grabs.
cuz i too am already there, always have been, and because i love you.