You always offer to split the check with your guy. The first few meals should always be paid for by the guy. Only psychotic women would offer to pay. Instead, quit your job, cancel all your bank accounts, credit cards, 401K and give away all your money so he knows you’re serious about being completely dependent on him.
You’d rather hang out with him than your own friends. Girl, let him chase you. Guys love the chase. Let him chase you in the forest with a shotgun Dog the Bounty Hunter style. Dress him up in a cute camo vest and then let him physically hunt you in the woods until the point you think you’ll get murdered. Just have fun with it! Blurring the line between life and death always brings couples closer together.
You like sleeping in his bed. Do you breathe when you sleep? Ladies, men don’t like breathing women. Try holding your breath for eight hours and if he breaks up with you in the morning after you die of asphyxiation, you know you’re better than him. Be the bigger person in this situation.
You go through his phone while he’s in the shower. You heard a guttural growling noise coming from his iPhone 7 Plus so you picked it up and you got zapped with an electric shock. Now you can see the future and you two don’t end up together so who gives a shit anymore.
You easily get jealous of his female friends. No, you don’t! Now that you can tell the future you know how they all die; alone in the suburbs in a Pier 1 Imports, HomeGoods, and scrap booking store, respectively.
You pick fights with him. Ladies, we all have that time of the month where we get a little too sassy or overemotional with our guys, am I right? There’s nothing crazy about speaking demonic tongues during your monthly satanic ritual where you become possessed by an 1800s Victorian ghost whose husband poisoned her with arsenic. I mean, get over it, boys!
You tell him “I love you” every day. Contrary to popular belief, no human actually understands love or knows how to do it. They don’t know how to ‘do love’ despite what legendary band Huey Lewis and the News constantly sing about. So you telling him, “I love you” is more like saying, “Hot dog underpants future broccoli.”
You always respond to his texts right away. Why would you do that? Never ever respond to his texts. If he texts you, throw your phone in the ocean immediately so you aren’t tempted! Don’t live near an ocean? Sign up for Zipcar, download the app, input all your credit card information so the app can pull directly from your bank account, fill out what date and time you want to rent a car, see that the date and time you requested doesn’t have any cars available near you, book the Honda CR-V that’s a mile away because you HAVE to get this done tomorrow, get a good night of sleep after drinking a few glasses of red wine and taking two hits from your weed pipe, wake up, get ready, bring snacks because it’s going to be an 31-hour drive to the West Coast from Illinois and you don’t want to die of starvation on the road, create a road trip playlist on Spotify only featuring songs with the word “dream” in the title, drive 31 hours to San Francisco, find a parking garage because street parking is impossible, walk from the parking garage to anywhere you see water, maybe it’s the Bay, maybe it’s the ocean, you’re not sure because you’re from the Midwest and hell, Lake Michigan looks like an ocean because most of the time you can’t see the other side, get that phone out of your purse, kiss the screen and toss that sucker into the ocean! Good job. And then go back to Illinois. You’ll make it back in half the time!
You get mad when he doesn’t respond to a text right away. At this point, your phone is in the Bay/Ocean/big puddle on Lombard Street so you don’t even know if he’s going to text you back. You’ve decided to live a minimalist life now that your phone is gone. J/K that sounds awful. You love stuff.
You make everything about you. This one is true.
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